1+1=3

Oh yeah, really?

2011-08-11T16:47:00.001-04:00

You know, I wanted to start out this post by telling everyone good news (and I’ll get to that) but I read something today that turned my stomach and immediately made me go WTF.

A post by a blogger that I read regularly (who I also know reads my blog) posted today the list of ingredients in breast milk followed by the ingredients listed in formula. I suppose to make a point (maybe you want to clarify it here) that breast milk is far superior to formula. And that by extension women who choose formula for their babies for one reason or another (or heck for no reason other than they don’t want to breast feed) are some how doing their children a disservice.

Well, if there is one thing I can’t stand it’s a sanctimommy*. That is a mother who feels that their way is the best way and that everyone else is so clearly doing it wrong. Newsflash: no they aren’t. Formula is actually a good source of food for a baby, otherwise they wouldn’t sell it and people wouldn’t buy it. Not to mention some people cannot physically or emotionally handle breast feeding or they cannot or choose not to pump. Not everyone can be a SAHM with time to breast feed. Some of us work outside the home and pumping takes time from work and to be honest, it isn’t a whole heck of a lot of fun. I don’t think that every mother is capable of breast feeding and I don’t think that women should be made to feel guilty if they choose formula for whatever reason they do. I am SICK to death of the breast is best rhetoric. To be honest with you I hated HATED breastfeeding once I returned to work. Spending 1.5 to 2 hours a day with a suction cup to my breast doesn’t make a person feel close to their child, despite what most breast feeding advocates tell you. No, a pump is not a bonding experience.

Besides the whole breast pump issue I think a woman has the right to choose what she feels is best for her and her baby. I am not going to force myself to breast feed if it’s taking an emotional toll on me and thus affecting my relationship with my child or my husband. Again some women are simply incapable emotionally of breast feeding and that does not make them a bad mother and it certainly does not make you a better one. Please understand that your sanctimonious post, dear blogger friend, insults millions of women and it insulted me tremendously.

Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest I do want to update you guys on a few things.

My next Ob appointment is Wednesday next week. I will be a day shy of 12w for it. I am fairly certain the doc will whip out the doppler so we can hear the heartbeat. I am both terrified and excited about it. I think once you’ve dealt with any IF issues you are always concerned that something could go wrong. But I am trying to remain positive. Other than that I have no real baby-to-be news to report.

The really fantastic news we received this week is that Ray has a new job. A really nice new job that will basically make our income go up 33K a year which is, frankly, insane. The job does have a bit of a downside in that we’ll have to move Clara to a daycare closer to Ray’s new work. The upside is that the daycare center is the same franchise as the one we currently attend, so in all likelihood it would have a very similar pre-school and kindergarten readiness program. A bigger bonus is that the school system in the county is among the best in MD and so long as she has after school care I can actually allow her to attend school there. I am thinking, if all goes well, we might move to that neighborhood at some point in the future.

We have been very lucky this month- the summer has been the most interesting we’ve had in years.

I’ll update again after our appointment next week. Positive thoughts for a strong, healthy heartbeat.

*and just to give credit where credit is due this is not my word. This word was coined by a friend on mom's forum that I belong to elsewhere on the internets. I wanted to make it clear that I am not, in fact, that witty.

I know finally...

2011-07-18T16:18:00.003-04:00

First, a not so wonderful update but at the same time not world ending. I did not get the job. Which actually truly shocked me. They apparently went with someone internal which I knew would end up being the case eventually. I did however, get a personal phone call to tell me that the hiring managers were extremely impressed by me and that they wanted to make sure the recruiter kept my name and resume close by for any other compliance related opportunities in their area. I guess that's supposed to make me feel better. The recruiter is supposed to call me today to talk about some next steps. We'll see what happens.

Also, we've seen the RE and the OB already since my last post. Both have seen a heartbeat on our newest little babe. Great news, after some awful news last week. I was happy that we were able to attend the RE appointment because it gave me the chance to place the u/s picture in my grandmother's casket. Anyway, based on my LMP I am 7w4d today. I still think they have it wrong, I happen to know I am 7w2d today but, hey 2 days less is fine by me.

The baby is measuring perfectly, so as of now nothing to worry about except the fact that I've lost about 5lbs since the start of this pregnancy because I can hardly eat anything, and when I do I just feel sick after. So, I've been very cautious about what I am eating. Ray keeps suggesting that I take more B6 and B12 for energy and I am thinking I might give it a try, it can't hurt right? I would just like to feel good for at least part of the day.

I literally took a 2.5h nap yesterday. Poor Ray had to contend with a cranky and overtired Clara. After her nap though we went to in the in-laws for my FIL's birthday. There were lots of other family around so me tanking out on the couch, not eating anything would have been met with pretty skeptic eyes. Good thing I managed to hold it together until we got into the car. Then both Clara and I passed out. I woke up when we stopped but Clara stayed asleep (at 7pm!!!) and stayed that way until 7:15am!! I woke up later than usual (since we had the Ob appointment this morning) and I was shocked at how long she slept. Naturally though, after spending almost two straight weeks with Mommy and Daddy she didn't want to go back to daycare. She just kept saying "I don't wanna play with friends"- poor thing.

That's really all that's going on here. Next appointment in 4 weeks and possibly the NT scan if I can swing it with the insurance company (such a PITA).

Random

2011-07-09T13:05:00.002-04:00

I am not even sure where to start this one. My grandmother is dying. I mean she's been very sick over the past several months but my dad and my uncle took her off life support this morning. It's really only a matter of time. The woman has been suffering so in a lot of ways this is probably a good thing. I know she was struggling to remain upbeat after the last hospitalization.

I wish I had gotten the chance to tell her about the new baby. We were waiting to see her in person because I wanted to cheer her up. Now I am not sure she ever got to know (because I made my dad promise not to tell her). I kind of hope he ended up telling her anyway.

Since the funeral will likely be Monday (she didn't want to be waked and apparently my uncle and father are abiding by her wishes but, I think they should do it anyway) I have to cancel and reschedule our u/s appointment with the RE. We'll be in NY for a couple of days after just to be with my family.

So now instead of celebrating the joy of new life, we'll be mourning my grandmother instead. I know everyone will say circle of life and all that but- still it's sad.

How did I not remember

2011-07-03T10:41:00.002-04:00

The nausea? The exhaustion? Gah, I can't do anything around here.

I had my final interview on Friday. I think it went rather well. I had to give them my real application and I needed to send it via USPS but, ha, wouldn't you know it those bastards were closed yesterday (must be nice). I had to fedex it (and not cheaply either). I did manage to get my thank you notes out yesterday afternoon though (apparently they were still delivering mail just there were no retail locations open). Hopefully this will all work out how it's supposed to.

On another job related note Ray has an interview coming up this Friday. They haven't yet sent him the schedule but told him to leave the afternoon after 1pm open. So we are leaving Hershey a little earlier than I intended. We had to go get him a new suit (do you people know how insanely expensive a decent men's suit is? close to 600 bucks and that only included one shirt and one tie). I told Ray that this investment better be worth my while (in other words if he doesn't get this job his ass better be pounding pavement to do other interviews that justify the fact that we just shelled out close to $600 on a singular piece of clothing).

See, here's my rant. I don't really buy clothing because I really hate to shop. But when I do, I purchase a few things here or there, so my budget for a year is probably around $600 (in actuality it's probably a hell of a lot less than that, I mean how many black pants and skirts does a girl really need, after all?) Ray doesn't buy clothing (I usually get him three shirts and two or three new pairs of khaki pants for Christmas) so his budget is less than $200 a year. So spending $600 on a single suit, shirt and tie really stings for me. But I guess it's worth it if it makes a good impression. It's a really snazzy looking suit, for sure.

Not much else going on here. Just getting ready for vacation by trying to stay awake long enough to clean the house and get some crap done. Thinking about taking Clara to the pool this afternoon (if she naps and is good). I am excited about our trip to Dutch Wonderland I just hope I have the energy to do all the thing I want to do with her.

I'll post after our u/s on the 11th. Lots of good thoughts please.

They Joy of the (mostly) Anonymous Internets

2011-06-27T16:19:00.003-04:00

Since I would really love to shout it out from the roof tops that I am, in fact, pregnant and that it happened without medical intervention but cannot, I will have to bask in the glory of this pregnancy with my mostly anonymous internet friends. At least for the next 8 or so weeks.

I had a beta done Friday and repeat today, both with the RE. They agreed to monitor me until we see a heartbeat. Once that happens I'll have them transfer my records to my Ob's office and I'll call to schedule an appointment with her.

Now, I cannot tell you the numbers for either of the test since I didn't ask and I don't care. According to both tests things are looking (and I quote) "great"- we are scheduled for an ultrasound on July 11 (right after we get back from vacation). I am surprisingly more relaxed about this pregnancy than I was for my pregnancy with Clara. I just remember being completed freaked out before the first u/s with her. I think I am trying to be more zen about the whole thing. Probably a better approach all around.

On top of all of that wonderful, wonderful news I also got a third interview with this company I've been interviewing with. I decided to go for it after a long (and helpful talk) with a dear friend of mine who finally had to convince me that hard-work does not necessarily equal stress and that I am sort of wasting away at my current position (all true things to be sure). Friday I meet with the marketers. This should be- well- interesting. I just hope I can charm them as well as I have charmed and made in-roads with all our marketers here. I honestly hope I get the job though I do worry how well I will be accomodated regarding this pregnancy. I guess we'll cross that bridge if we have to.

You know the month started out rather poorly (being robbed and all) but if someone asked me whether June ended up being a good month or a bad one. I'd have to say June turned out to be my favorite month this year!

Curiousity...

2011-06-23T20:30:00.003-04:00

Well I had to pee anyway. Good thing that test was just sitting around.

Looks like we're having another baby. Due March 3 according to all accounts. Now I just need to figure out which doc wants to run this beta blood test- the RE (who we have yet to see) or my Ob/Gyn. Lots of calls to make tomorrow morning.

Well, well, well...

2011-06-22T21:21:00.005-04:00

I just wanted to quickly update all of you regarding the job situation.

I did in fact have a face to face with some of the folks for the company I applied with. I was required to meet with three folks from the department (the hiring manager, her manager and then a peer of the hiring manager). They are a very decentralized office so I expected that there would a bunch of folks to meet. I have to say for the job they want the new compliance person to do they aren't offering nearly enough money to do it. They basically want a person to come in do the marketing compliance from the ground up, IMHO they have almost nothing in place. It seems that they have never have a real, true marketing compliance person in the position before anywhere in the company (and we are talking an international company with a BIG presence and big market share in what the do) so this really shocked me. I would basically be putting together the process and procedures for the department and putting together definitions for the marketers to use in order to comply with the regulations that govern their business. It's a really big job for the money they are offering and, honestly, I am not that interested in building a marketing compliance department for them. In a situation like that they are better off hiring someone within their company who has more understanding of the business and market strategies than I do. I am supposed to know on Friday whether I got yet another interview round. That's the other thing, I realize that they want to heavily vet whatever candidate they choose but I don't have all the time in the world for these interviews, I still have a job that I like and need to be good at because there is a relatively good chance I'll be staying there despite its many flaws.

On to something else. I am 11DPO (12 if you are reading this on Thursday) and true to my word I refuse to test until Sunday (which would be CD1 if I have a 14 day LP, which I don't it's usually around 13 days). So far my temps have been pretty good, funny actually the charting software I use (not Fertility Friend) gave me a triphasic message today. I told Ray and he was like "is that a good sign" and I said "I don't take it to mean anything but the software says it could mean I am pregnant" he said "oh, really?" yeah really but I don't think so many women get triphasic patterns when they aren't pregnant too. We'll have to see what my temp is tomorrow. They usually start to downward slope on 12DPO and I usually start spotting on 11 or 12DPO also and I suspect that the B6 has at least kept me from spotting at 11DPO (yippy). I told Ray he shouldn't get too excited there is a good chance he'll have to repeat his SA and I'll have to do the CD3 bloodwork (which if I am not pregnant would fall on our appointment day, fingers crossed). Anyway, if by some chance I am pregnant I'll be sure to update on Sunday. I suppose I would call the RE's office and let them know and see if they still wanted me to come in anyway. We'll cross that bridge if we come to it.

That's it really. Nothing more exciting going on at this point.

The closer we are the further we are

2011-06-15T14:48:00.003-04:00

I just wanted to give a little update on the few items from last week.

The interview went exceedingly well. I was told they want to see me face to face next Tuesday at 2pm. I was told by the recruiter that someone would get in touch with me this week about it but I have yet to hear anything and so that is worrying me. But to be relatively honest I am fairly happy with my current position so not getting this job is not the end of the world. I could stay here for as long as they want me here. My only reason for applying for the position was that it was with a really great company but other than that the job is basically the same as what I am doing with maybe a little more specificity and challenge. The big draw would be, of course, the pay and benefits and the option to earn a S.eries 7. At this point it’s “wait and see” if they get in touch with me before the end of the week. I imagine if they don’t I’ll have to email the recruiter. I did manage to get my thank you letter sent out yesterday so with any luck that will be enough of a reminder to get in touch.

Regarding the robbery; Ray spoke with the detective on Monday morning. The Balto Co Police think they found my iBook. Apparently they arrested some girl in the area with items linked to another robbery that took place about 4 streets down from us. With those items they found an Apple iBook which matched the description of my iBook. Ray had just located the paperwork/serial information for my iBook so they are looking into it. Additionally, he gave the detective information regarding his xbox (since he had an xbox live account the folks at Microsoft were able to track it). We still need to fill out paperwork but we managed to purchase a new TV last Wednesday (not sure if I mentioned that in the last post).

Clara, sigh, Clara. I swear she's trying to drive me to drink. The past week she has refused to go to bed on time. Finally, last night I took to doing her night time routine a full hour before we normally do it in case she gave me a hard time at least she'd be closer to bed time then the last week. Well that was major fails-ville. She still didn't go to bed until 9:15 and then she wanted me to sit with her. I've had it. I went in there and told her that she was a big girl and she didn't need mommy to sit with her that Daddy and I were both in the living room and would be there if anything happened. When I left she screamed again so I went back in there and told her to give me her pacifier and her monkey and that I was turning off the light and she could sit in the dark (again mean, I know) but it worked (for a change) and she went to sleep. Gah. Then this morning after a mere 8 hours of sleep (so not enough for a toddler) she woke up and screamed for an hour for us to put in Nemo or George or Cars. NOT HAPPENING because, as I have mentioned previously 10 minutes is never enough, heck three hours is never enough-nothing is ever enough basically. So we cut it off completely. I had to fight her getting dressed and she started to go bonkers about that. After I let her fit it out for another 10 minutes (while I got dressed) I finally said "would you like to wear something else?" and she nodded and I said "mommy is happy to help you pick out something else but you must stop crying, can you do that?" she nodded yes. She did stop, she picked out her clothing. I got her dressed, hell I even did her hair and she was fine all the way in the car up to daycare (she nearly fell asleep so I imagine she'll be tired for nap time today). She was also good when I left school (unlike the two previous days when she was screaming bloody murder). We'll see how the sleeping goes tonight. I might have to change the routine a little to get her to go to bed on time. Parenting can be so tiresome.

And lastly about TTC; it looks like according to both my ovusoft chart and FF I ovulated 4 days ago. But my temps are lower than I would expect them to be (around 98-98.2). However, I re-read some of my old blogs from when I got my BFP with Clara and apparently 98-98.3 or so was the range for post-o on that cycle so maybe I did O. It’s a good sign anyway, two ovulatory cycles in a row and O on the same day of the cycle. If I didn’t know any better I’d say the PCOS is under control. HOWEVER, despite the optimism in this paragraph I have made an appointment for us to see the RE on June 27. I would rather go in and say “I just got a BFP, check my shit out” then wait until the end of this cycle with a BFN and not be able to do any testing until the beginning of the next cycle (which wouldn’t be entirely true they could do the SA at least just not the HSG or cd3 b/w). It’s actually pretty perfect the timing of this appointment. I will be CD3 on the day we go in (you know providing I didn’t get pregnant), so we might be able to start right then and there with at least the CD3 b/w, HSG (if she wants to re-do-please no) and SA. Not sure if she’ll put me back on the met/clomid again before the HSG results (if I have to do the HSG at all). I personally would rather skip the met because of the horrendous side effects, I am finding the cinnamon to be a nicer, gentler alternative and I wonder if she’ll just let me continue that instead of jumping right into meds. Also, considering the fact that I am ovulating on my own (watch next cycle will be annovulatory again) I wonder how that will change how she treats us. I think a lot of this will depend on Ray’s SA, my CD3 b/w. I am predicting that this coming up cycle will be all the testing, no monitoring and that the cycle in July is when we’ll actually be doing treatments. More in a couple of weeks, for now we wait.

And TTC isn’t even the half of it

2011-06-09T16:03:00.001-04:00

This month has already been both the best month and the worst month, and we’re only 9 days in.

I know this is a TTC blog but I wanted to share more the “best” and “worst” of this week.

First the good stuff. I have a job interview with my dream company. This is an interview I never thought I’d actually get. I had already resigned myself to working where I work for at least another few years, so we can save some money and I could eventually go back to school to become a(n) SLP. That might still happen but in the meanwhile I need to save the money and I need to be good at my job so that maybe I’ll get promoted or a better than 3% increase (our average increase around here- so sad). I’ve been working for the better part of a year on earning insurance designations (anyone in the business knows that there is an insurance education program through L.OMA that requires you to pass courses in order to earn them). I have earned three in the last 14 months and I am on track to complete the highest level designation (known as F.LMI) by the end of Fall to further that end.

All that aside, last week when I had that incident with my co-workers (something I didn’t get into then and don’t plan to now) I had sent a former co-worker an email asking for some advice regarding the situation. At the end of her reply email she told me that the company (the one I am interviewing for) was looking for a Marketing Compliance Analyst (basically my job title only we call the marketing “advertising” here). I really had no intention of applying but I looked at the job description anyway and it looked interesting. (For the record, I know I am being vague but that’s because I don’t want to mention the current company I work for or the company with whom I will be interviewing just in case anyone decides to do a little re-con on my on-line comings and goings.) I took a minute, filled out the information, uploaded a resume and basically said “yeah I’ll never hear from them again”- the company is actually known for its extremely stringent hiring practices and the glacial pace at which it conducts interviews and follow-ups. So imagine my utter shock that less than 24 hours after I submitted my information I received an email from their HR department asking me what my availability for a phone interview would be next week. The interview will take place at 5pm next Monday. I’ve been prepping for it the entire week because it’s been 6 years since I did any kind of interviewing at all whatsoever. I am very rusty. One last thing- if we are f.acebook friends I would very much appreciate you not saying anything on my page. Both my boss and unit director are my facebook "friends" and considering that this job is hardly a done deal I’d like to keep them from really knowing about it. Also you can feel free to send me a little personal message on f.acebook if you are just dying to know which company it is that I’ll be interviewing with. So, yeah that was the really good and awesome thing that happened to me this week (that was Tuesday).

On the same exact day that all that awesome shit happened, the absolute most horrendous thing happened too. Our house was broken into and most of stuff was stolen. In short the thieves took our 46” flat screen 1080p HD TV, three laptops (including an Apple iBook), my iTouch, Ray’s PSP and his Xbox360. We came home to our door wide open and our Siamese cat looking out the door like “wtf just happened.” Not sure what part of the day it took place but I am glad both our cats had the good sense to hide and stay inside. We, of course, called the police and they determined that they got in through the back window (we don’t usually leave those windows open [they have screens] because they are on the porch and do pose a security risk), took the stuff and then left. I think there were two of them and I think they were young. They didn’t take my jewelry, our brand new dyson dc23, my iiadro collection or my Waterford crystal vases (you know the expensive shit was basically left). I mean I have gold bracelets and necklaces up in my jewelry box that because of the price of gold are worth 3 and 4 times more than all the stuff they took put together. Some of the iiadro pieces I have are worth more now than when I bought them. I mean they took three 8 year old (or older) laptops, a four year old tv, a two year old iTouch, a four year old Xbox and a three year old PSP- all of which has devalued significantly from their initial purchases. Even the dyson which is brand spanking new (the box was still in the living room for heaven’s sake) was worth more than all three of those laptops combined. But you know it’s not the money value of the things lost, it’s knowing that my neighborhood isn’t necessarily safe anymore, that at some point something could happen to us again or one of our neighbors. We bought a new TV yesterday because I just couldn’t stand to look at the empty space any more and have it be a reminder of what happened. At the same time I am not constantly worried that we’ll be victimized again because of it. Over time I know this feeling will fade a little and we’ll eventually replace all the stolen items but I am not sure I’ll ever feel the same way about my home again.

AND on that note we’ll move on to the guts of this blog which is, of course, TTC(A). Today is CD15 and I expect O to happen within the next day or two (if the pattern holds). I can tell you the CF is fairing nicely and based on that I can tell I am close. So we’ve been trying to take advantage despite the break-in. I think it would turn out to be an overall pretty awesome month if we ended up pregnant. But again I am not counting on it. I can say for sure that if O doesn’t happen by the end of the weekend Monday morning I am on the phone to RE’s office. That was already determined. If I do O I might still call because with the spotting low progesterone I would rather we get monitored and put on progesterone again than risk losing the pregnancy because of it. Only time will tell.

Clara is doing okay, the break-in didn’t phase her (why would it really?) She’s been getting better about her fits (thankfully) but I know because of the recent heat she hasn’t been able to play outside while at school and I think it affects her sleeping. She’s still taking 2 to 3 hour naps in the afternoon but her nighttime habits are getting worse. We pushed back her bedtime to 9pm but now it’s getting later and later. Last night it was closer to 9:15 when we finally got her down and she woke up at 5:45, that’s not enough sleep for a 2.5 year old. Tonight I am going to try doing all her stuff at 8:30, instead of 8:45 so this way she can “snuggle” with me for the last 15 minutes before bed (she like to do that and because it’s only a few minutes it doesn’t hurt anyone, she still walks herself to her bedroom and goes to sleep on her own so, I am not worried that I am creating a bad habit for her). Hopefully we can get her to go to bed around 8:30 at some point without her getting up at 5am too. That’s going to be the real challenge.

Well hopefully the next time I write we’ll be in the TTW again. Hope everyone has a wonderful week.

P.S for Trish- an acronym primer:

TTC= Trying to Conceive
PCOS= Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome
LP= Luteal Phase
EWCM= Egg-white Cervical Mucous (most fertile cervical mucous)
CM/CF= Cervical Mucous/Cervical Fluid
BBT= Basal Body Temperature
IF= Infertility
PIO= Progesterone in Oil
AF= Aunt Flo (aka your period)
CD#= Cycle Day
#DPO= Days past ovulation
MFI= Male Factor Infertility
SA= Semen Analysis
RE= Reproductive Endocrinologist (the doc that specializes in infertility)
IR= Insulin Resistant (usually in combination with PCOS)
BCP= Birth Control Pills
O=Ovulation

And just because I mentioned them in the last two posts
L.OMA= Life Office Management Association (an organization designed to help Life Insurance professionals gain knowledge regarding the industry by enrolling them in courses that allow them to obtain designations)
F.LMI= Fellow, Life Management Institute (highest designation awarded by L.OMA)

I know there are a few others in this post but I won’t be using them again-except maybe WTF and TMI but I am sure you know those.

What can I say, really?

2011-06-01T21:22:00.006-04:00

It's been an interesting week. And not good interesting. Most of it has nothing at all to do with TTC/IF/Family crap. It's all work related BS. And that's what it is BULL SHIT. I don't even want to get into it really but rest assured that those girls who were the bitches in high school are still those same, nasty, catty, immature bitches in the workplace. Some people never change. You wish they would get their much deserved comeuppance but it never fucking happens. Life is so unfair that way.

Moving on. I started taking B6 and drinking Green tea along with the cinnamon tea and prenatals plus extra folic acid I was taking already. The purpose of the B6 is, supposedly, to lengthen the LP. I've done B6 before with no results so I am not expecting a change here either. I would like to reduce the spotting to only one day before AF shows, that would give me some hope that I am producing my own progesterone. But given the PCOS, low progesterone is par for the course here. I think the only way to help that is either PIO, suppository or a prescribed cream.

The green tea is supposed to help with CF and goodness I've already seen a big improvement there. AF took a hike around CD5 (yippy), and yesterday I was pretty dry but today I had EWCM with pink tinge. So strange at CD7 to have any kind of real CF. Color me excited. I think I am just gearing up again because, again, I can feel my ovaries going on overdrive. I know I ovulated from the right side last cycle and it looks like that's where it will come from again (hopefully), even though I am feeling more left sided pain this time around than last time.

I am also hoping we'll be able to make more time to have sex. Last time our timing could have been better if we had done what we needed to the day before, day of, and day after. Not sure it would have helped considering the mild MFI issues we have going on but at the same time it probably wouldn't have hurt either. Perhaps this is all a little TMI but I need to write it out.

Everything, save the weight loss, seems to be going pretty well. I am trying to remain unstressed by the work related bullshit and just put my mind into TTC and getting my FLMI for work (three more tests to go!!!!!!!!)

That's really it until something happens- which with any luck should be in a week and a half or so. Until next week. :)

Moving on

2011-05-27T21:28:00.002-04:00

I decided to take Ann's advice and not beat myself up (thanks Ann, for always being a good friend to me). I think part of my problem is just being hopeful. I am not an optimist by nature. I like to say I am pragmatic but Ray says no, I am a true pessimist. I think pessimist is extreme but, it might be more accurate. If there is something between pragmatism and pessimism that would be my life philosophy. We'll call it chrissyism.

After my emotional breakdown on Wednesday (my cycle actually fully started on Thursday for those of you keeping track of my chart) Ray and I had a nice long chat. I figure I can keep going if I know at some point we'll get help and it won't be in 6 or 7 months, that it will be sooner rather than later. He told me he wants to stick it out "see what happens" not "rush" to force my body with meds etc. I honestly think he wants to avoid doing another SA, which is eye-rolling to say the least. I know his last experience with the SAs were terrible but I told him that we'd be with the RE from the start and so the conditions in which he'd have to do his business wouldn't be like they were the first time around. I also told him that there would be a chance he wouldn't have to do it again.

After much discussion he asked me why I was so desperate to go back. I told him that I really think that this cycle was a fluke and that future cycles waiting for ovulation are a waste of time. He thinks that because I've lost more weight and that the cinnamon tea is helping he doesn't want to just give up. All that stuff is helping, of course, but how consistently remains to be seen. I still have PCOS that's the shit that won't change, so I can drink 10 cups of tea a day, and lose 25 more lbs and it might not make any more difference now than it did. This cycle isn't indicative of anything, IMHO.

He said he still wanted to see how this cycle went and then I could call. I asked him if that meant I had to wait until i started bleeding again because that could be 40 or 50 days from now, if I don't ovulate. I told him I wasn't willing to wait that long and that if he didn't want to be a willing partner with me that we could just stop the whole thing right now. He said he wasn't trying to force an all or nothing just that he didn't want to run back there if my body was in fact working. I said I am not waiting for the next cycle to start because I don't know if that will be in 30 days or 60 days- producing nothing but agony as I go through the cycle. Then he asked me at what point would I know the cycle was a 'bust' so i told him honestly within 20 days. He basically agreed to compromise after that and said that if nothing is happening within 20 days I could call and set up our appointment.

So as it stands now, I am charting this cycle for the next 20 days to see what, if anything, happens. Let's just say I am not holding my breath for a repeat. But in case it does happen I'll consider it a good thing (obviously). To be clear I still wouldn't think that me O'ing two cycles in a row would be indicative of anything and it certainly wouldn't prove him right (because it just wouldn't). If nothing happens (as I suspect nothing will), I'll make the call the morning of the 20th day and set up the appointment. In the meanwhile, I am back to once a week update here on the blog.

Thanks for all the Thoughts and Prayers and support and comfort- it means a lot.

How Do You Convince Yourself It Will Be Okay?

2011-05-25T11:57:00.001-04:00

CD1 has arrived and let’s just say the bloom is off this rose for sure. I wanted so much for this to be the cycle so I could avoid the inevitable crap that comes with PCOS. I wanted to convince myself that I would be happy even without being pregnant because my body finally cooperated but at the same time I knew I’d be crying.

Now I have to steel myself for the next go round, the hoping and the praying that maybe we’ll have normal cycles. Hoping and praying that even if I do ovulate again without meds that the spotting this time was a fluke (not likely based on my previous test which required me to take a progesterone suppository in order to stay pregnant with Clara). It’s like a big list of unknowns and I fucking hate it!

Why am I doing this to myself again? Why am I letting myself get all worked up about TTC. I feel like this shit just never seems to go our way. Yeah, I know it’s the first cycle so how could I expect anything better but at the same time there are billions of women who get pregnant without a problem right out of the gate. WHY CAN’T I BE ONE OF THEM?

It’s hard not to be angry or upset about this kind of thing. Seriously, the only thing I want to do is be freakin’ NORMAL. Why is that too much to ask? Why do I have to make myself sick with worry that on top of everything else I might have a problem with progesterone?

Do you know that ALL of the women who had babies with me at work (i.e the ones who shared the pumping room with me) all have second kids now? ALL OF THEM. Did you know that all the babies that were first borns in Clara’s Infant I class at daycare all have siblings for their children now- ALL OF THEM. I feel like my life is a big joke and everyone is laughing but me.

Yeah, I am feeling sorry for myself- Big Time sorry for myself. Our friends who have a 1 year old told me a month ago they are about to start trying again and I just know she’ll be pregnant next month and I’ll still be waiting to see what my body decides to do. This shit SUCKS SO HARD. I just keep setting myself up for disappointment after disappointment.

It’s so hard to just convince myself that this cycle was a step in a positive direction because in the back of my mind I know there is something else wrong, even without the PCOS. Do I make the call now? Do I wait? Do I give up? I want to give up, sad as that seems, pathetic as that is, I just want to run away give up the whole thing and BE OKAY with it. But I won’t be, I know I won’t be. And yet it’s just too much for me right now.

Imma Hafta Disappoint

2011-05-25T06:18:00.003-04:00

No, I didn't test, and no AF hasn't arrived but- let's just say I am not optimistic about the cycle. I am posting today to let you folks know that I probably won't test (if I even need to test) until Friday. I just didn't want anyone showing up here tomorrow expecting a post with a result. Chances are my result will be "AF is here" and we'll be On To Another Cycle. I will say this, if AF shows tomorrow (could be today as my temps were down pretty significantly this morning, though still above the "cover line") I will probably post.

I have mixed feelings about this cycle. On the one hand I am super thrilled that I ovulated on my own and that my temps stayed pretty constant and high for a full (hopefully if I don't get my period today) 13 days. I am concerned about the spotting though since it could indicate a different problem but, I am hoping that was just because of the BC. But of course I am disappointed that AF is around the corner and that this wasn't the cycle. Honestly though it would have been a miracle for us to get pregnant this cycle. And even though I told myself I wouldn't get my hopes up for having another January baby (seriously the due date would have been the same week as Clara's) I, of course, did because that's just how I am.

I'll leave the rest of my thoughts for either tomorrow or Friday.

HA!

2011-05-19T09:34:00.003-04:00

I added a link to my Fertility Friend Chart to the side bar of this blog, just because. Normally, there wouldn’t be much to show in a chart like mine, since with the PCOS it would be all wonky temps and non-matching CM and other fertility signs. But, for some reason after I wrote last Wednesday’s post my body got the message that “hey we could work if we want” and so, you will see that it did. That makes today 7DPO. A minor miracle if I do say so myself.

Ray asked me this morning what he thought our chances were this cycle. I told him timing was pretty good so I’d say 75%. That’s about what it would/should be in any normal cycle. I didn’t tell him that though- he thinks it is all him-LOL. Boys! ;)

I don’t want to get too excited, since there is a pretty decent chance that nothing happened here. I am happy though because at least my body did something right. Will the pattern continue? Will I be “normal” again? There are no early pregnancy signs to speak of because, well, at 7DPO how could there be really. I think if I am going to obsess over signs I’ll wait until at least 10 or 11DPO to make that call. When I was pregnant with Clara the only symptom/sign I had was severe cramping about three to four days before my cycle was due.

I know you are wondering if I’ll test early. I am really going to resist. Seeing a stark white negative test would probably kill me. I’d rather AF show up then deal with that, honestly. I know that just because I get a negative test at first doesn’t mean I won’t test positive later but why do that to myself? Why not just wait until the day my cycle is due if my temps are still up? It serves me no purpose to test early. What does that mean for those of you reading this blog? That means, if my LP is the exact correct length, if my temp is still up next Thursday you will be the first to see what the outcome is. Is the suspense killing you yet? :P

If I have to pinpoint why things went well in this cycle it’s because of weight loss combined with this decaf cinnamon tea that I drink. Without really know how it would affect me I started drinking this tea. The tea is very good and it was actually the only reason I drank it (it doesn’t need any sugar, it’s naturally sweet because the cinnamon is sweet). For the last few months I have been trying to cut down on sugar and sugar substitutes (since they give me migraines) and I almost always put sugar in my coffee (milk too) which is added calories and not good for IR PCOS folks (or my continued and still needed weight loss). Then I came across this tiny little study (this is linked to the SoulCysters forum but the text is from Science Direct not sure what journal it was published in) that linked the taking of cinnamon with better blood glucose levels. What’s even more interesting is that it doesn’t need to be a huge amount, in a dose as low as 1g daily will do it. Well I drink 4 cups of this cinnamon tea a day (again it is decaf) this is easily 3g of cinnamon and I have been doing this for the last 4 months, the time for efficacy is actually 8 weeks. Is that awesome? Now, can I say for sure that this was the tipping point for why I actually ovulated this month? No but I think the BCP, combined with additional weight loss and the added boost from the cinnamon surely didn’t hurt. Right?

And to leave you on a separate, but much related note, we went to Mass this Sunday and after Communion during my silent prayer time I said a prayer for my grandmother who is very sick right now. In addition I also prayed to St Gerard. Not for me necessarily, because well that’s not how it’s supposed to be. I actually was thinking more about Ray’s two cousins. His older cousin suffered two miscarriages and is currently pregnant with a sticky baby. We are so excited for her but I know how devastated she must have felt suffering through those miscarriages. His other cousin (it’s actually his cousin in law) was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in her 12th week of pregnancy with her third baby. According to her gyn oncologist the lump they removed is a slow acting tumor- they couldn’t determine where it came from or how it would metastasize. The good news is that she won’t have to have a hysterectomy but the doctors aren’t sure if she’ll be able to have more children naturally. Both of these women deserve the prayers and intercessions of St. Gerard, as well as the many women who suffer from miscarriage, cancer and other forms of infertility.

Stay tuned for next Thursday when we find out whether or not this cycle panned out.

A Day Early

2011-05-11T10:36:00.000-04:00

I had to urge to write so I am writing today instead of tomorrow.

I am miserable. Not only has the acne come back and I feel like crap but nothing, and I do mean NOTHING, is happening with this cycle. Today is CD16-hope is completely gone.

I know what you are thinking; “Chris, it’s only the first cycle off the BCP your body may take some time to adjust.” But, c’mon folks, I’m no idiot. I know how this ends.

There isn’t even any kind of CM happening. It’s like (and pardon the TMI) a barren desert. I am having major cramping though which means my ovaries are on overload- a very bad sign indeed. Seriously, FML.

With the niggling doubt and hopelessness come the inevitable questions:

Do I just give up? Not even see the whole process through. Throw away the chance at having another one?

I know, in my heart, if I give up now (on Cycle 1 only 16 days into the cycle) I’ll never see another baby in my life that’s mine. Because (and this was the problem from the very start of even thinking about having a second) I cannot stand the heartbreak, the heartache, the endless vials of blood taken, the expensive medications and the decreasing amount of time I have with the daughter that already exists. How selfish am I to want to go through this entire process again?

And if I do decide to go through with this at what point do I say “I can’t do it on my own”- how long do I have to wait to make the phone call to the RE to say “HELP”- longer than 16 days into Cycle 1 would be my guess. All the while knowing that without some kind of intervention, my ovaries are a ticking time bomb. There is no knowing if they’ll ever do what they were meant to do.

What bothers me, what annoys me the most though, is that despite weight loss, despite watching my blood glucose and taking my vitamins there is absolutely nothing I can do to improve my situation without medication. My ovaries will NEVER work on their own how they are supposed to.

I am not sure why I allowed myself to get so delusional about it. I really thought that after losing 62lbs, getting my shit together and being on the BCP that I would have some semblance of a normal cycle. So I could finally say “see Docs you were wrong about the PCOS diagnosis- I was just unlucky” – but I have come to realize that no, I am not just “unlucky” my body hates me.

That being said, I’ll monitor this cycle until it ends and then make the decision to either go back to the BCPs or stick it out. Ray told me he supports me either way, he doesn’t want to see me sad or upset but I also know he really wants to have another baby. And to be honest, so do I.

More of the same here...nothing

2011-05-05T09:37:00.000-04:00

CD10 here and I don’t think I’ve seen a temp lower than 97.1 in all the time I was temping when we were trying for Clara. But today it was 96.8. Gah, so the hopefulness I was feeling on CD3 is pretty much gone now. I don’t think I’ll be seeing O for a while, maybe not at all until I get some provera.

I know I shouldn’t be so negative, after all it’s only CD10 but with temps like 96.8 it doesn’t leave me too hopeful. Not to mention I know how this body of mine works (doesn’t work). I’ll be surprised if anything good happens. The best I can do right now is just keep on trucking along and see what happens from here.

The rest of everything is okay. I am experiencing the worst sinus headaches lately. I think it has something to do with all the flowers and trees making an appearance. And even though I love planting and spring, right now the whole blooming world can eat my shorts. I’d like to go one week without a headache. The other thing that’s making the sinus headaches worse is my glasses, I think, are too heavy for my face right now so they are putting pressure on my nose and that doesn’t help too much at all. I am getting new glasses this weekend but it will be at least a month before I see them.

As for Clara, well, sigh. This entire week she’s been hysterical in the mornings. Monday she woke up at 4:30am and refused to go back to sleep until we put on Curious George for her. On Tuesday she slept until 6:15am so all I had time to do was get her dressed (which she was upset about) and do her hair (again another fight). Once she was dressed and hair done she wanted to eat her yogurt but there was no time. I offered her other stuff like a cereal bar, cheese stick, ham, raisin bread etc to no avail. So she fought us until we were in the car and I could distract her with something else.

But yesterday took the cake. After the whole Curious George fiasco on Monday I told Ray that she wasn’t allowed to watch it any more because if she was waking up at 4:30am screaming for it she clearly had a problem with regulating it. We had to take away her pacifier (it was time anyway), potato chips (which she hardly ever got) and lollipops (another treat which was rare) for the same reason. She would finish the few chips I would give her and want more and then scream for 30 minutes after I said no, ditto for the lollipops. So now she doesn’t get those things and she doesn’t get George either because, one episode in the mornings is not enough and she goes completely ballistic if she doesn’t get her way. And maybe other parents think I am just being a big mean Mommy but if you had to listen to a hysterical high-pitched screaming 2 year old in your car for 20minutes at 7am, I think you’d do the same.

Anyway, she was “good” all morning according to Ray and he asked me if she could watch one episode. I caved (like a freaking idiot) and so he put on her episode. Naturally, when it was over and we had to go she went bonkers. She cried for 10 minutes in the house followed by the 20 minute drive to daycare- again throwing off her shoes and socks while in the car (and seriously, I know this is terrible, but had it not been raining I might have made her walk from the car to the school without them that’s how pissed off I was). The when we were in school she continued to cry and cry saying “my George, my George” without stopping, and then after a while she started to say “uppie, uppie” for me to pick her up. I told her I would be happy to do that if she calmed down and stopped crying-which she sort of did. I picked her up gave her a kiss and a hug and told her I had to leave to which, naturally, she started crying again. The teacher told me she would be fine once I left, so did.

Then this morning at 5:45am I could hear her screaming while in my room, which without the monitor, is difficult (i.e. she was loud). I normally wake up around 6:15 so I just sat there trying to get myself together (hoping my headache would go away, yeah right). I could hear her screaming “George, George. I want my George” and, God Bless Ray, he didn’t give in, even though I know he wanted to. She probably was upset for the same amount of time (about 30/40 minutes) but once Ray sat down to get her dress and for me to do her hair (around 6:45am) she was fine and happy. We had no issues in the car and no problems going into school. I think much like the pacifier, she will forget all about wanting to watch Curious George in the mornings and go color or play with her leaptop (a Leapfrog Laptop), something we can bring with us in the car and into school.

That’s all that happened this week. I hope all the Mom’s out there have a wonderful and joyous Mother’s Day. And to those of you still trying for that first little one I wish you the best too.

Cycle1, CD3 already?

2011-04-28T10:48:00.000-04:00

We stopped the BC early. I just figured enough was enough; I didn’t need to take it that last week anyway. Ray was on board for stopping the 5 days early and so now we are officially, official.

I started temping again and honestly it’s difficult to get back into the swing of things. It’s kind of hard to remember to do it right when my eyes pop open but I am remembering to do it, so that’s good. Obviously being only 3 days into this cycle nada is happening but at least the cycle has started so, there is hope for now.

This past Sunday was Easter. We attended Mass at our parish (sometimes we go to churches closer to us on typical Sundays- church where we are not technically parishioners- we kept our standing at the church where we were married and where Clara was baptized and where, hopefully, another baby will be baptized). Easter Sunday is always crazy at that church because it’s really a beautiful old Gothic style church with lots of windows and I think people feel at home in the church because it isn’t a big cathedral like a lot of the other ones in the area, anyway, I digress. So we decided to go to 8:30am Mass figuring it might be a little less crowded and that Clara would be awake but not in full on toddler mode yet. Well it was crowded but we found a seat (amazingly because we got there 5 minutes before Mass started) in the back (where we would sit anyway). Clara was okay during the Mass (as good as a 2 year old can be given that it’s an hour of quiet time basically) and she was making smiley faces and waving to two old ladies in the back-row. When she acted up (like getting loud or whiney) Ray would take her back to the narthex and deal with her. I felt like, given the circumstances, she was pretty good.

Mass ends, we skip Communion (like usual) because Ray isn’t a confirmed Catholic and well, I am just a bad one so we don’t go up. We leave as soon as Communion starts so we can get out of the parking lot a little faster than most, hoping to avoid the crowds. As we are walking towards to parking lot though the little old lady who Clara was making cute faces at stops me and says “You know, I hate to say it but what she really needs is a sibling.” Gah!

First off, REALLY? She NEEDS a sibling? No, what she needs are two loving parents who have the means and resources necessary to take care of her. Which we are, and we do.

Second, REALLY? Why do people feel the need to make these inane comments? They have no idea what our situation is or why we’ve chosen (or not chosen) to have more children. Utterly ridiculous!

I was polite though and said “yeah, it’s not for lack of trying”- the woman was probably out of earshot though. Ray asked me what happened and I told him. I also told him that I couldn’t really be mad at little old church ladies who don’t have a clue (or want to have a clue) about our situation. He said that regardless people should mind their own business. A truer statement was never spoken.

I guess it does anger me though. I am not sure why once Clara reached a certain age people have felt the need to get involved in what’s going on in my uterus (or for that matter, what is NOT going on in there). I realize that people are only curious and from close friends (and even family to some degree) I don’t mind answering because most of them know our situation and none of them brings it up to me so flippantly. But acquaintances and co-workers, people I hardly know are all the time asking when we’ll have the next one. Well folks, if it were up to me it would be today, this month we’d get pregnant but, you know what? It isn’t up to me. It’s up to what my body is doing (not doing) and up to medication wearing off or working and all other kinds of things of which I have zero, zip, nada control over. I wish people would be a little, tiny bit, more respectful of people’s personal issues. I feel like when it comes to my ute everyone gets to have their say. /end rant

And things with Clara aren’t getting all that much better. I swear she’s going to drive me to drink. I mean I love her but I cannot stand the massive temper tantrums she’s throwing lately. Like today, for example, she was all fine sitting and watching Curious George until it ended and she wanted to watch another episode. There was no time for that so Ray picked her up and she started to cry hysterically. She fought getting into the car, then she took her shoes off and threw them while in the car nearly hitting me in the face, finally when we got out of the car and she was still hysterically crying I carried her in (normally she walks) to school with my hands underneath her armpits so she couldn’t kick me.

Even after we got into her classroom, trying to calm her down with her usual things (Elmo, yogurt, mommy’s iTouch etc) she refused to calm down. I told the teacher that I wanted to stay but I had to go. I am going to call over there a little later to see how long it took before she was okay again. According to the teachers she rarely goes that nutso while at school, it’s only at home that I have no ability to calm her. That makes me feel wonderful. :( Ray says he thinks peer pressure to calm down quickly is why she doesn’t spend 20-30 minutes tantruming it out on the floor.

I know this is just her being a typical two year old and that eventually she’ll grow out of it. But it still feels horrible the endless screaming and crying over nothing. I am hoping by the time we have the next one she’ll be better.

Once a week

2011-04-21T10:44:00.001-04:00

So I promised myself that I would keep up with this blog once a week. So here is your weekly installment of me. I hope you don’t mind.

I wish I could say things were going on right now. They aren’t. I am a week away from finishing these ridiculous birth control pills. I have a few things I need to do to prepare myself for ttc again.

I need to go to the dentist. I have several cavities that I would like to have fixed/filled before I get pregnant. At the very least I need to have the x-rays done. I would prefer to be sedated if possible during the process (get them all done at once maybe?) and I don’t think I can be pregnant for that. So I need to make that appointment (which, yeah, not happy about it).

I also need to make a half-hearted attempt at finding some of our old baby-gear. We need the infant insert for our car seat. Ray told me he has no idea where it is and I am not sure we can get a replacement. If another baby is as tiny as Clara was at birth we will definitely have use of it.

On a totally separate note 4 of the moms who had babies in Clara’s Infant I class (basically Clara’s age, maybe a little older) either have new babies now or are pregnant now. Also two of Ray’s cousins are pregnant too. I told Ray it was a good thing we decided to have another one or I’d be going a little batty right now. I have to admit though it’s hard to wait, especially since we don’t know what my body is going to do.

In case I didn’t mention what the plan is (did I mention it, I probably did); we are going to go try on our own for the next three/four months. Then in September I will meet with the Ob/Gyn again and get her thoughts. My guess is if I am not pregnant she’ll recommend I go back to the RE. I’ll have her send my records over there and I’ll call for an appointment. Then it’s probably back to testing for both of us. Ray already told me he isn’t looking forward to doing the semen analysis again. I told him we would do it at Shady Grove again like we did the second one the last time. I doubt his count/motility/morphology got any better from three years ago though. It won’t matter since most of the infertility stuff really falls on me. We just need “one good one” for him.

As for our already existing miracle well she seems to be doing quite well. She’s still waking up in the middle of the night for no reason. I am not sure if she’s having nightmares that wake her or what. Usually Ray goes down and calms her down and usually that works. It’s still a battle at least once a week to get her dressed in the morning. She threw a massive fit yesterday for example but the rest of this week she’s been fine. I got to spend a little extra time with her this morning in her daycare room because Ray accidentally forgot her daycare bag (lunch, snack etc) at home. So we spent an extra 40 minutes hanging out waiting for Ray to come back to the school with it.

She’s a funny and cute little thing though. She wanted to spend her morning showing off in the classroom for me followed by sitting next to me and hugging me. She was NOT HAPPY when I left but I tried to tell her that I was there until Daddy brought her bag back but that didn’t compute. Shana (her teacher) said that she was sure she would be fine once she was sitting down to eat her yogurt. It does make me wish I could spend more time doing fun stuff with her.

Anyway, this weekend is Easter and I still have not gotten Clara’s Easter basket together (bad mommy). So tonight Ray and I are off to Target to pick stuff up for her (and coffee too since we seem to be out all of a sudden, I don’t drink caffeine much now since I knew I’d have to give it up when I got pregnant so I didn’t know we were getting low).

That’s all from around here. Hope everyone has a blessed Easter.

T minus 13 Days

2011-04-14T10:38:00.000-04:00

I have 13 more little pink pills left in my pill pack to take. I have to be honest I am a little nervous about stopping. Not because I am afraid of getting pregnant (which, if it happens just by coming off pill, would be a minor miracle) but because these pills have actually given me my life back in a lot of ways.

When Ray and I first got together I wasn’t taking anything at all. We used barrier methods because (and I can’t believe I am going to admit this in public) I didn’t want to go to the gyn. I had this major fear of being- well looked at. Plus I really dislike(d) doctors (oh the irony-clearly over that now). Anyway, my sister-in-law practically forced me into the doctor’s office about three months before my wedding. The gyn she was seeing (who retired before we wanted to have a baby) was extremely nice and I felt comfortable with her so the exam was fine. At the time my cycles were pretty regular for me (about 40 days or so) and I hadn’t given HBC much thought but she suggested that if we were serious about waiting that I should consider a pill. At the time I was not organized enough to remember one daily and so I asked about the patch. She told me because of my weight (I was around 180 at the time) that I would be better off with N.uvaring. I was on that for two years before we decided to have a baby.

But in those two years I had horrendous cycles and I was miserably depressed. I had also gained a lot of weight (about 40lbs) though I don’t that that was the pills I think that was just me.

You all know the story after I got off n.uvaring (no cycles, dx PCOS, a year of problems, and finally a visit to a specialist) but after I finished breastfeeding Clara the gyn had recommended I get a M.irena IUD. I knew my insurance wasn’t going to pay for either the device or insertion of the device, not to mention I wasn’t keen on the idea anyway. Ray and I weren’t 100% sure what we wanted to do regarding having more children and I didn’t want to make a special appointment to get the thing taken out. I wanted to just be able to stop taking pills or whatever. The doctor recommended Y.AZ instead.

I have to say I experienced little to no side effects with this pill. To the contrary it cleared up my face, I never lost my sex drive, I lost weight (wow), and my cycles were so much more manageable (hello 3 day period, I love you). Now, after being on this pill for the last 18 months or so I feel like I don’t know what will happen when I stop taking it. Will my cycles be screwy? Will the acne (ugh) come back? Will I be a raging beotch? I am scared and nervous about it. I mean I know it’s necessary so there is nothing I can do about it. But still my life is manageable with the pills and so naturally going off them is a little bit like walking a high wire.

I guess we’ll know in about a month or so how this will all play out. I am just hoping that with additional weight loss and the pills having done what they’ve done for the last 18 months that maybe, just maybe, it won’t be as bad as I think it might be

And we're back...

2011-04-03T18:19:00.002-04:00

In so many ways.

Back here blogging (when time permits)
Back TTC again (or close to it, anyway)
Back with Clara not sleeping through the night(the fun continues)

Life has been interesting. This is my last month of BCP. I am both excited and, well not about it. I am excited because we are finally in a good position both emotionally and financially to add to our family. I am not excited about possibly going through the same heartbreak as before regarding the PCOS. When I talked with my Ob/Gyn in September she suggested we not go more than 3 months after I get off the BC (not including the month after I finish since we're not supposed to be trying that month) before I get an appointment with our RE. I will be seeing our Ob/Gyn in September anyway though (for my annual) so I'll probably discuss this with her again. If we're lucky (yeah, okay) we might be pregnant before the end of the summer. If not next fall we'll be at the RE.

We haven't exactly figured out what we are going to do about the insurance. Ray will have to see what his company is offering come the fall. I know my company will continue to offer the HSA and unfortunately I cannot have a PPO and an HSA otherwise that's what we would do. At this point since fertility is covered under my HSA if we are still trying at the start of next year (likely) we'll probably stick with that since we'll make the deductible before I go into the hospital putting our expenses at 80/20 using the traditional PPO option, not to mention Clara's repeat VCUG for next summer as well (since more than likely she'll have to have at least one more after the one this summer).

As for little Miss Clara well she seems to be doing well. We weaned her from the pacifier for all but night time sleeping. She is only allowed to use it in her room and on her bed if she wants to use it outside of night time sleeping. She does not use it for napping at school or any other time of day now. A real improvement from needing it all.the.time. We also moved her into a toddler bed because she was screaming her head off being in the crib (locked in, so typical aquarius) and wanted to sleep on the floor. Better in the toddler bed than on the floor, right? Anyway, for a while there she refused to sleep alone and so Ray and I would sit with her. Now we finally got her to go to sleep by herself. But she still wakes up about two times a night when she loses the pacifier. So, our next thing is to get rid of the pacifier at night time. We'll probably do that in a few weeks once we are convinced that she is putting herself to sleep without an issue.

As for potty training well that's sort of happening and well sorta not. She likes to be on the potty but she doesn't like to actually use it. She practices a lot, let's just say that. But we had already decided we were going to wait until after her next VCUG before we went full force on it. I think she'll respond well to a three day potty-training method but we'll see.

Anyway, so I'll be here and there posting my frustration about TTC again and maybe some good news too (at some point, right).

All Rolled Into One

2010-10-28T15:39:00.001-04:00

First, let’s start with the obvious that I don’t think anyone reads this blog anymore so that’s why I haven’t been writing. This will probably become a monthly or quarterly thing now just to write down some thoughts. No use shouting at the rain.

Second, what’s going on around here? Well, lots to be honest. Overall, Clara has been really good. The nap scheduling at home has been horrendous; I am not going to lie. For some reason she will.not.nap at home. I have tried everything I can think of to get it done with failing results. She was so utterly exhausted this past weekend I had to have Ray drive her around in the car until she finally passed out. Gah.

But let me tell you why I am pissed off though. If you remember my last post about Clara’s VCUG you will notice that I didn’t mention our insurance. Why? Because we have an HSA. While this is not ideal it is/was better than the horrible PPO my company was offering last year and way, way better than Ray’s PPO last year. So, yeah, lesser of three evils I guess. Anywho, the whole deal with the HSA is that you basically pay out of pocket for medical expenses except you pay with a non-taxable savings account that can only be used for medical purposes. I know it sounds terrible but actually it’s not that bad. However, in order to determine exactly how much you will have to pay for one thing or another the best way is to call the place that will be doing the procedures (for doctor’s appointments and the like the cost is minimal so it’s not necessary but for larger procedures that require radiology work it’s best to call). So I DID call Hopkins and chatted with a very nice insurance specialist who assured me that my bill for all of Clara’s radiology stuff would be give or take $220. Yeah, fat chance, it was actually well over $1300 after doctor’s fees (which I specifically asked about), lab testing (which I specifically asked about) and additional facilities fees (like the use of the actual machinery, which I SPECIFICALLY ASKED ABOUT-you get the point). So naturally, I am really annoyed.

Our insurance company footed $24.00 of this bill while we paid the other $1200+ out of the HSA. I guess to be fair the entire amount we paid went to our deductible (which btw is a ridiculous $2500). And I am not so pissed off about having to pay the bill itself as I am that I was duped into believing that our bill would only be $220. I mean really you call yourself an insurance specialist what the HELL where you lookin’ at lady? Luckily for me and Ray we hardly ever get sick (knock on wood) and Clara has only been to the doctor for non-well baby stuff three times this year (a total blessing). Most of what comes out of our HSA is for my birth control pills (at $60 bucks a month because I am on YAZ for the PCOS) and her medication for the VUR (which is like $13 every 3 months or so). There was (and still is) plenty of money in the account but had I known that it was going to be this much we would have done her VCUG/ultrasound a bit sooner. Why? Because we would have satisfied the deductible that much sooner and all our subsequent bills would be mostly paid out of the “PPO” portion of the medical insurance at an 80/20 split which includes my birth control pills. I am convinced that insurance companies are the devil. Sadly I work for one (but again to be fair it’s not major med).

The whole insurance thing has put a bit of kink into our baby #2 plans. While the HSA works fine for people who don’t often get sick and require few, if any, medical procedures during the year (us, most of the time), it sees pregnancy as sickness for which all doctor’s visits are charged separately and admittance to the hospital comes under the deductible (the doc visits would also go towards satisfying the deductible). Additionally, any fertility treatments that I would require (and I would, of this there can be no doubt) I would also have to pay basically out of pocket for (again it would go towards the deductible). Now, Ray’s current PPO has really decent maternity coverage- you pay a $10 co-pay once for the doctor and then never again- all doctor’s visits are fully covered. The hospital stay is still subject to the deductible but the deductible is only $1300 ($1200 less than my HSA). Moreover, I keep any money in the HSA from year to year at the end of this year our HSA will have (with no additional contributions from me) about $1300. Sounds good right? Except for that pesky infertility which is covered under Ray’s insurance at $50 bucks a visit, all lab testing and monitoring may be subject to the deductible and there is a limit of $3500. What this all means is that instead of starting/trying for baby #2 in February/March of this year (when my bc prescription runs out) I will be asking my doc for a 6 month refill and we’ll be trying closer to next September/October of next year. This will allow me to build funds in the HSA over the coming year for the fertility treatments I’ll need but it will also us to switch to Ray’s PPO with the better maternity benefits at the start of 2012. And after discussion we also decided we wanted a little more alone time with Clara. If it all goes to plan she’ll be closer to 4 when baby #2 arrives which means only a year of paying for two in daycare, not to mention a child nearly out of college before the next one goes in- a bonus.

Ancillary to all that stuff going on-Ray and I are preparing for our first real trip sans baby. In April I went to Napa with my sister and mother for a little “girl’s getaway” which stranded me in California nearly an extra day. That was for a total of 4 nights. That’s the longest I’ve been away from Clara. However, over the last year Ray hasn’t spent more than two nights away from Clara. I am both excited and nervous about going. I made sure I told my sister where all the information for our life insurance is and I made sure to write down who gets custody of Clara in the event of our untimely deaths (morbid as it is- but shit does happen). Moreover, I prepared an authorization for medical treatment in case my mom and sister have to make decisions on our behalf. I think my biggest issue is that I won’t have a good time because I’ll be missing Clara too much. When I was in Napa I called Ray every day to check in on her (sometimes twice a day) and got daily pictures of her. While in Mexico it will be much more limited so I won’t really know what’s going on. I can say with complete confidence that I trust my mother and sister so I know Clara is in good hands. I would never have let anyone else watch her for that length of time. I don’t trust anyone else to do what’s best and make decisions for her in our stead without putting their own personal shit behind it *ahem* Ray’s parents *ahem.*

So that's about it from here. Let me know if you are still reading, maybe I'll update more.

Whew

2010-09-01T16:12:00.002-04:00

A major sigh of relief. Clara had her yearly Pedatric Urology appointment yesterday which included a trip to pediatric radiology for a renal ultrasound and VCUG. I was really hoping for good news since my week had been pretty crappy.

My mom came down from NY to be with us since I was fairly certain that I could not be with Clara for the VCUG. If you recall the last time she had to have this done it was like a living nightmare. Now granted we were going to Hopkins Pediatric Radiology and not the peds unit at St Joe's followed by a trip to the regular radiologist. Everything, including the cath was done by an actual doctor too. But I still couldn't watch so I sent my mom in with Ray (since they are both calm and handle stuff very well).

She screamed during the ultrasound which I was present for but the technician was wonderful with her. Then we had about a 5 minute break before she had to have the VCUG done. I heard her crying through the door and of course I was upset but it would have been 10 times worse had I actually been in there. When my mom and Ray came out with Clara she was all smiles and so was Ray. I said "what happened I heard her" and my mom said "she's strong willed and did not want to be lying down, that's the reason she was screaming- the cath went in fine she didn't even cry for that" and then Ray said "good news is that the VUR is resolving"- I was so happy.

Our appointment with the pediatric urologist confirmed that her right kidney is slightly smaller than the left and both are without 'hydronephrosis' (scarring. Additionally they downgraded her VUR from 1/2 in the right to 1 (requiring no further treatment) and from 3/4 in the left to 2/3 which still requires treatment for at least another year possibly a few more years depending. Overall the urologist was very pleased with the result. He said a lot of it has to do with making sure she takes her antibiotics daily (which we of course do) and the fact that our Pediatrician had her tested so early. I told him another year or more of antibiotics was okay by us. He said "it's better than surgery" and I said "absolutely" and he said "I certainly don't need the business" and I said "or want it" and he said "exactly."

The Ped Uro said he would chat with our pedatrician about the results but that he thought that Dr DeVoe would be as please as he was. He also mentioned that if necessary Dr DeVoe would adjust her medication level for her height and weight.

So overall really great news. I'm going to keep my fingers crossed that this resolves to 1 next year so there will be no need for antibiotics at all once she hits age 2.5.

On the Road (again)

2010-07-06T08:24:00.000-04:00

So we’re off to Lake George for the next couple of days. This is our first real car trip with Clara. Obviously she’s been on a plane before and we’ve traveled the three hours up to NYC before but somehow I think this is different.

Clara is 17.5 months old now which means temper tantrums galore. Although to be honest she’s been pretty decent. If you don’t count the hysterical fits of crying that take place when we tell her that Whispurr (our Siamese cat) is done “playing with you for the night.” But really she isn’t “bad”. I only wish we had been able to successfully wean her from her pacifier habit before the trip because if she loses it while we are in the car it’s like a nightmare to find it and give it back to her. The only positive thing is that my mom will be joining us on the trip from Queens to Lake George so at least someone will be back there with her (either me or my mother).

It will be nice to take Clara to a place I love. We spent several summers when I was a kid up there. Most recently I lived just south of Lake George in Clifton Park. It feels like it’s been a really long time since I was up there. Gosh, I think it’s been about 7 years now. That translates into the same amount of time that I spent living there while I was in college and law school.

I’m not gonna lie, I do miss it at times. Some of my greatest memories are of living upstate, some of my greatest heartbreaks too. I wouldn’t change any of it though.

So the plan is to spend as much time hanging out and swimming as possible. Then take a lunch cruise on the Luc du Sant Sacrament, possibly take a paddle boat on the lake and meet with my old law school buddy for dinner and drinks. Another great thing about having my mom around is that she agreed to play babysitter while we hang out with my friend. I am thinking we might take a ride down into Saratoga but we’ll see.

I am looking forward to taking lots of pictures of Clara swimming and boating and just being a kid. It’s strange how fast she’s growing. I looked at her today and I thought “wow, she’s a real little girl now.” And it happened in the blink of our eyes.

Oh Well...

2010-06-03T11:39:00.000-04:00

I am having one of those days. You know the kind of day where you think “this isn’t fair?”

So if you read my last post you know that Ray and I have a somewhat set plan for Baby #2. And providing it all goes the way it should I think the plan will work out rather nicely. Plus if we are lucky and Ray ends up with a better paying job things might get started sooner. Although, if I have to be honest I doubt it will happen.

Anyway, one of the attorneys in my office who had a baby 2.5 months before I had Clara just told me she’s expecting #2. I am not surprised. I just had a feeling that any day now she was going to announce her pregnancy. Somehow, I have this weirdo intuition about these things.

It’s not that I want to rush our well thought out plan. Nor do I want to throw us into a difficult financial situation (it wouldn’t be life ending but it would be very tight) but part of me is so “not fair.” We actually have to wait for our savings account to have more money and loans to be paid off before we can even consider another baby. Not just because of the finances associated with putting a second kiddo in daycare/feeding/diapers but because of the treatments I will inevitably have to go through in order to get baby #2.

I like this attorney. She has always been super nice to me and friendly. I don’t have an issue with anyone to be honest. But things still sometimes rub me the wrong way. I am not sure how many people in my office know the struggle we went through to get pregnant, I am not sure I really want them to know. After all it is personal business. But she asked me so casually “so any company for Clara?” and I said “not right now, probably not for a while actually” and, I know she was asking innocently but then she said “oh, why not?” and I said “a few reasons; first, I had a difficult time getting pregnant to begin with and I am not looking forward to starting that process again because of both time and expense and secondly, daycare isn’t cheap and I have to find a way to pay for two.” And she kind of just shrugged and said “it will all work out.” I like her optimism but she has that luxury- she’s a corporate attorney who probably makes twice what I make and her husband is an architect who probably makes twice what Ray makes. So I am sure they can afford to have many more children. But where I am, it’s not possible. Even if it is something I want.

I try not to let myself feel bad about stuff like this. I know we are doing what is on best interest emotionally and financially. But still it feels a bit like a kick in the pants that I can’t just do whatever I want whenever I want. I just hope at some point we do get to give Clara a brother or sister. If not, well I guess we’ll be okay either way.

Decisions, Decisions

2010-05-05T11:51:00.000-04:00

Now that I feel like our life with MIL is somewhat settled (a whole long story) it’s time to assess what our family needs are.

Ray and I talked and I was honest with him. I’ve been on the fence about wanting to have another baby because of a few factors. First, I adore Clara to death and I want to give her all my love an attention. I am not sure I could love another one as much as I love and adore her. Second, financially things are good right now with just one. Having two means higher daycare tuition, more clothing (especially if we have a boy), more stuff in general (although a lot of the stuff we have is gender neutral with respect to pack & plays, swings, car seats and strollers so at least there is that). Third, I want to go back to school when Clara starts elementary school (in 4 years- I actually wanted to go back much sooner but that isn’t in the cards) and I am not sure I would be able to do that if we had a 2 year old at home. Lastly, the pain of infertility is still pretty fresh. Not to mention our current insurance is an HSA which covers infertility 100% but that’s because I am basically paying out of pocket with a tax-free account (no good really). His benefits (which we declined) pay for all pre-existing conditions except (get this) infertility! So basically I would need different insurance (a straight PPO with a co-pay would be ideal but even my company’s PPO option is a co-insurance thing.)

But I thought long and hard about our financial situation and I realized that in 18 months Ray will have completed paying off his student loans. As in done forever!!! Which is amazes me because he’s only been out of undergrad for 9 years. I worked really hard at come up with a “snowball” plan for paying off the loans (if anyone wants details on how we did this you can just send me a msg and I’ll explain it to you). What was supposed to happen at the end of that 18 months was that I was supposed to take whatever money he was throwing towards his loan and put it towards the smaller of my two remaining loans. But considering the nature of student loans I told Ray that we not do that. Instead we could put that money into daycare costs for another baby…

He said he thought it was a good plan (what?) and what time frame was I looking at. I said providing this all goes the way it’s supposed to (which we know it won’t) 9 months would be the soonest so that if a miracle occurs and I get pregnant right away then we have the 9 additional months to pay off the loan and it would put us right where we need to be. If it doesn’t happen right away (more likely the case) we’ll just keep trying and if it doesn’t happen within 6 months we’ll go back and get help from the RE again. I also figure that if I wait the 9 months from now we’ll have figured out the insurance situation (going back to the PPO and have the HSA money for the co-insurance payments). Moreover it gives Ray a few months to figure out his job situation (that’s post for another day because it means we may be moving. And now that we’re no longer talking with his mother/family we have no reason to really stay).

So that’s the tentative plans right now. It’s nice to dream that things will go just how we plan them to go. But even if they don’t I think giving it another try is in our best interest. I want another baby and I want Clara to have a sibling now more than ever because of our situation with Ray’s family. Maybe it’s not the best reason but I think, even if we stay where we are now, in the jobs we have now, in the house we currently own we can do it. And as far as school goes- well I think having one in kinders and one in pre-school is okay so long as we can swing it financially I know we’ll find a way to make it work time wise.

I Promise I'll Do Better

2010-04-21T15:57:00.003-04:00

*sigh*

Well I'd like to say the "sleep training" worked like a charm but that would be a big fat lie. We have good nights and horrible ones. She refuses to go to bed before 9:30pm which takes its toll on Ray and me. But when 9:30 comes at least she's tired enough to not cry hysterically for 45 minutes like when we put her in there before she's "ready" to go to sleep.

Fact: She is her mother's (and father's) daughter.

Ray and I are both night owls. We both hate getting up in the mornings. Clara is exactly that way. Getting her up in the morning is a battle and it involves loads of crying and misery for everyone. If only the girl would go to be earlier she would save herself the pain of that 6:30am wake up call. As an adult I can hardly handle getting up that early but our schedules require us to be up until 11pm- but her's doesn't. Go figure.

Other than that she has managed to pull herself to standing without any assistance. Walking can't be too far behind now. She'll be 15 months in a week but I am not sure she'll walk before then. I guess I shouldn't be shocked at how long this is taking she's always been a little bit behind on the gross motor skills. I am hoping she will walk before summer though.

Overall she is doing very well. She was sick two weeks ago with tonsillitis and this past Monday and Tuesday she had another minor throat infection which, thankfully, did not require antibiotics. She recovered well from both bouts but I do worry about her throat and upper respitory stuff since she's had two upper respitory infections and two throat infections (not counting this minor one) in the last year plus. Thankfully, no ear infections though.

Friday she gets her MMR/Chickenpox Vax. I won't be there with her :( only Ray has time to go with her. I hope she does okay. I know that shot can be very painful for little arms. I told Ray to make sure she gets some ice cream (or a cookie) for being a good girl.

Ray and I are supposed to discuss the possibility of having another baby. This conversation is supposed to take place some time this summer. We have casually discussed in the past and while both of us would like to have another baby- finances, educational goals, and time are huge factors in why we probably won't for quite a while.

I have a pro and con list working about having another baby but at the end of the day it's going to come down to feelings and right now I am not sure how I feel because I know I am losing time and especially with the PCOS I have no idea how it will go with the next one, if there is a next one.

The New Adventures of Old(er) Clara

2010-03-03T09:29:00.000-05:00

Clara is now 13 months old. No, she still isn’t walking but she is definitely finding her legs. Her not walking doesn’t surprise me at all. She was quite a late crawler- waiting until she was just over 10 months old to do that. I think she’ll be closer to 15 months when she finally ventures off the furniture and steps out on her own.

We have finally decided to let go and try and get Clara to put herself to sleep. I waited too long to do this with her. I should have started when she was about 7 or 8 months old. It wouldn’t be so hard right now if I had. Anyway, since I cannot do straight CIO (despite my best efforts to do so otherwise) I have taken a sort of modified CIO approach which I found in a parenting magazine recently. AND it seems to be working (well last night was only night 2 of this new routine for her). The first night she screamed bloody murder for 25 minutes until she finally exhausted herself. When she finally settled down to go to sleep she still had some pitiful sobs which broke my heart but, she did eventually fall asleep and stayed asleep through the night (score!). So last night we did it again. Ray and I made an agreement. I would give her a bath, put her in her jammies, give her the medication for her VUR and read her a story and he would actually stay with her while she wailed and finally fell asleep. BUT what happened stunned me. Not only did she not cry she barely fussed at all when he put her in the crib (I listened over the monitor). He was tapping her, singing and saying encouraging things. It still took her 20 minutes to go to sleep (and she woke up 45 minutes later but went down again easily) but she didn’t cry or fuss before hand and she managed to once again sleep through the night. Tonight is our last night with the patting and encouraging words. Tomorrow night we are supposed to move to the middle of the room and just talk to her until she goes to sleep on her own, no patting. Not sure how it will go (but I’ll be sure to let you all know).

Additionally, Clara has been a signing fool lately. She has picked up and uses consistently the signs for “more”, “milk”, “all done”, “eat” and “please” (she even uses them together- “More milk, please”). I am in the process of teaching her other signs like “duck”, “bath”, “water”, “wet”, “pain” and “diaper change” (if she just gets ½ of that sign it would be good)- I am fairly sure she knows what the signs for “don’t touch” and “no” are, even though she doesn’t use them (why would she, only mommy and daddy have to say “don’t touch” and “no”-lol). Her level of understanding and cognition has exploded lately and I am amazed by her daily. When she was younger it was much harder to tell if she really understood us but now I know she does understand and watching her communicate is so cool. She has been saying mama and dada for a little bit but now she says “du” for duck. Every time I bring her duckies out I say “who is this” and she says “du” so she is trying to talk to but I am surprised she doesn’t have more words.

We have an appointment with the ped at the end of the month for her MMR and chicken pox shot. I think I might ask Dr. DeVoe whether I should be concerned about her not having more words. She’s a great mimic but for some reason she doesn’t want to say real words. Either that or I am not noticing them. I know I probably have nothing to worry about since she clearly understands language and she signs very well.

Well, that’s all from here, for now. I’ll be updating on how her sleep routine is going. Hopefully in a few days she’ll be able to just get in the crib and go to sleep without any help from either of us.

6-12 month picture retrospective

2010-02-08T09:19:00.008-05:00

And last but not least

Has it almost been another month? Geez

2010-02-03T13:52:00.004-05:00

So we've returned from Disney World. And here is a taste of a few pictures from the trip. We had a pretty decent time. I'd rather not talk about what went wrong but Clara wasn't harmed by any of it, it just made for a difficult time for me. I realized a lot of things on this trip that I probably knew before going but that I now know for sure...

Anyway, here are the pictures

There will be no apologies

2010-01-06T10:00:00.002-05:00

Well folks, I would apologize for not keeping you all up on the comings and goings of a Clara Rose but well it wouldn't make a difference would it?

So what's been up since November? Lots of things. My baby is almost a year now. I can hardly believe how BIG she is (I'll post another picture retrospective at the beginning of next month). She LOVED Thanksgiving and ate everything (including my cranberry sauce, go figure). Then it was Christmas and that was a ton of fun watching her open gifts and getting distracted by the kitties.

She isn't walking yet, heck she won't even pull herself up to stand yet but that's okay her gross motor skills have always been a little behind. But once she's up and moving no doubt she'll be all over the place. I love watching her as she eats because she enjoys it so much. She has eight teeth (soon to be nine) and looks so adorable when she smiles and laughs.

The last doctor's appoint has her at 17lbs 5oz (around the 20th percentile which is where she has been her whole life basically) and 29 inches (50th percentile). We are trying (failing mind you) to wean her from most of her bottles by her birthday (I only want to do 2 one AM when she wakes up and one PM when she goes to bed). So far we are down to about 4 a day. The only way to really do it is to send less bottles to daycare and more food/snacks for her. But I am so bad about doing that and putting together bottles is so much easier for us. But I will make an effort this week to prepare stuff for her to take (the same as I do for Ray) and hopefully that will help. I really don't want to be washing 5 and 6 bottles a day when we are in Disney. And I think honestly I can get away with bringing a few in the park with us but her mostly eating what we eat when we eat.

Which did I mention- that's what we are doing for her first birthday? Going to Walt Disney World? We go every year for Ray's birthday (5 days before Clara's) so now we have combined their birthdays into one longer/bigger trip. And we'll do it every year for her until she doesn't want go any more (and then maybe we'll stop). Ray said part of the wonderful thing about us getting married was being able to finally go to Disney World whenever we wanted. I tend to agree. It was nice spending all that couple time down there but I am really excited to see how Clara reacts to some of the stuff there too. And as she gets older it will be even more fun because she'll get to ride rides with her Daddy too.

Anyway, that's really all that's going on here. I'll try and be better about updating.

Illness

2009-11-03T13:27:00.002-05:00

Clara is sick. Her fever is 102 today. That means in addition to a regular doctor's appointment she has to be cath'd and checked for a UTI. How fun, right? Because it's not bad enough that she's sick but then to be stuck in the bladder. Gah.

This time she's going to Hopkins. I don't care how much more it costs us to have it done there. I don't care that it's completely inconvenient to my house or my life. I will not have her screaming on the table again while an incompetent nurse trys to locate where to put the cath.

Ray is taking her to her doc's appointment at 3pm. She was just there on Friday and was diagnosed with a simple "virus" and "not to worry"- but she has since gotten worse. Last night was probably the worst night we've had with her since she's been three months old. I hope not to repeat that tonight.

And of course with all this illness going around one of us has to stay home with her and it's been Ray because I have absolutely no time to take. Life is sucky. We'll just have to hope it isn't a breakthrough UTI (that's really bad news) and that it's something that can be easily remedied (i.e. not H1N1).

I wish this post was happier.

I have to say though overall Clara has been really great. She still won't crawl-which has me somewhat concerned about her gross motor skills. Her fine motor skills are coming along great though. She's also been very iffy with food lately. Not sure why. I don't know if it has something to do with her being sick or if it's teething again (why is everything teething?) But she's a happy happy girl. LOVES being on her daddy's shoulders and playing with Aunt Jenni. I am thinking about buying her some toys she can really play with (we have a few dollies and thing but no real toys) I think she'll like that.

Christmas is coming- it's going to be interesting with her. Plus we've got some house issues to deal with so Christmas may be a bit on the lighter side. I told Ray that we really just need to wrap a few boxes and give them to Clara since she'll only want the paper and the box anyway. LOL

Well that's all for Clara updates. Sorry I have been so MIA lately. Life has been nutty. Check out my other blog for more about that.

Oh Wow

2009-09-21T09:04:00.003-04:00

It's been a while eh?

So what's new, you ask, in the life of little Clara Rose?

She is learning to crawl. I am not sure we're ready for her mobility yet but, either way it's coming. And of course she gets cuter by the day.

She's eating some solid foods now. We're doing a baby led weaning approach which we love. It's a mess, but she's so cute eating that I could never do purees with her. She just enjoys gnawing on stuff too much. She's getting the hang of it. A lot less food on the floor and in her hair now anyway.

Clara is growing every day. I am so much enjoying getting to know her cute little personality. We have three teeth now too. She giggles so much it makes me heart melt. She's daddy's little girl.

As for me? I had my yearly GYN appt the past week. The PCOS is still running rampant. Dr. J and I talked about the possibility of having another baby. I told her that wouldn't be a for a while- as in Ray and I won't be discussing having another one until Clara is at least 2. She recommended that I go on birth control to help ease the PCOS symtoms. I agreed since the symptoms are f'ing with my life right now. I need to have some blood work done since I am being put on YAZ. I sure hope it works better for me than the last round of BC I was on.

If we have another one (which, I am not sure we will honestly since I am looking to go back to school next fall to do a very time intensive program) I will probably have to go back to the RE to do it. And although the 50mg clomid without the trigger worked last time there is no assurance that it will the next time. So needless to say, I am nervous about that. Maybe before head right back to the RE's office we'll do some trying on our own. Maybe additional weight loss and the control of the symptoms with BC will help the next shot out.

That's it here. I leave you all with a picture of Clara and her daddy:

Clara's First 6 months- a Picture Retrospective

2009-07-30T09:34:00.010-04:00

Three days

One Month

Two Months

Three Months

Four Months

Five Months

Six Months

So Big

2009-07-28T16:42:00.000-04:00

Our little Clara is growing up. Today Clara Rose is 6 months old. I can’t believe it. It seems like just yesterday we brought her tiny little self home-all bundled with blankets. That teensy little 19 7/8ths inch, 6lb 12oz baby girl is now a full 26 inches long and 15lbs and 5 oz. And where has the time gone.

She has since sprouted 2 teeth (another on the way very shortly), learned to turn over, hold a bottle and sit up without help. We are about to begin on a journey of solid food via baby-led weaning (which Mommy is quite excited about). She’s got to be the happiest baby on earth though. She doesn’t cry except when she’s hungry or teething. She laughs and smiles often and she LOVES being close to people. She’s the hit of the daycare.

It’s hard to imagine just how much she’s changed in these last 6 months. She seems so big now from when we brought her home. I can hardly remember those days (I remember the nights well enough :P). She’s thriving and a joy and I couldn’t be happier.

In 6 months time we’ll be celebrating her first birthday in DisneyWorld. I can’t wait to see what the next 6 months brings for us…

Nothing like a little poke in the bladder...

2009-06-25T13:46:00.004-04:00

INCOMPETENCE. No seriously, the nurses at St. Joe’s here in Baltimore are incompetent.

Two Fridays ago (yes folks it has been that long since my last update), my mother and I went to St. Joe’s for Clara’s re-cath and VCUG If I failed to mention what was going on with that the doctor, to rule out VUR sent Clara in for this test and a re-cath to take her urine to check to make sure all the e.coli was gone. Apparently it is common in young girls to have some type of VUR which they typically grow out of. Anyway, so the last time we were at St. Joe’s the nurse and PA took about 2 mins to cath Clara, grab the urine and take out the cath. Yes, she screamed but once the cath was out she was fine. So I expected much the same thing to happen this time. But did it? No.

Rather than get two competent nurses we got one fresh-out-of-nursing-school nurse and some other moron with a nursing degree. But first things first. After we registered we were told to head to radiology where they would be doing the VCUG (natch). The nurse in radiology told us “we don’t cath here you have to take her to 2 north [pediatrics].” Mom and I hustle up there to find that there is no record that we are coming in (remember I said Clara was also supposed to have her urine re-tested so they SHOULD HAVE had a record of us but they didn’t). The fresh-out-of-nursing-school nurse runs down the hall to get charge nurse. I am not sure who she actually got but neither she nor the one she got were competent in any way. Have I mentioned their extreme level of incompetence yet???

So these two moronic jerks set out on a course to cath my 12lb, 25in happy, adorable, bundle of love. Clara had no idea what was about to happen but the two of us (me and my mom that is) were there to soothe her should anything go wrong. And go wrong it did. The more experienced nurse (I assume) handed over the reigns of cath’ing Clara to the just out of nursing school nurse. For 15 minutes she tried to cath my baby. All the while my beautiful and happy baby is screaming bloody murder. AND speaking of which she actually made my child BLEED. Finally, after bringing me to tears (I just couldn’t stand it any more) I told them to STOP, STOP IT RIGHT THIS VERY MOMENT- which was met with “but but but” and I said GET OFF HER RIGHT NOW and so they did. I calmed down Clara (actually my mother did as I ranted about how pissed I was). The two re-entered with a new cath. I almost had it in my mind to get an actual Dr or PA or NP but I didn’t because my mother assured me all would go well this time.

It didn’t. And again 15 minutes of crying and excuse making by the more experienced nurse occurred. “Oh, sometimes a baby’s anatomy is off to the side and it’s hard to get to” to which I responded “this isn’t the first time she’s been cath’d the last time it took 2 minutes what the HELL is your problem”- a very surprised look from the nurse. Finally, they got it in and now I was charged with walking my child, screaming, crying, fidgeting and fussing down to radiology on 1 South. That’s an elevator ride and a nice LONG ass walk. We get to radiology and they took her right in THANK GOODNESS.

What did the doctor find? She definitely has VUR- at least Grade III if not Grade IV, maybe higher. We were given antibiotic prophylaxis to take until she can see the Pediatric Urologist on August 10. The Ped Uro is at Hopkins and he’s a pretty popular guy (well he should be, he’s the head of Ped Uro there). So it’s a waiting game.

In the meanwhile Clara has learned to turn over, laugh and, get this, hold a bottle all in the last month-totally amazing both me and her daddy. She has the world’s best, most heart-melting smile. She has begun to teethe but I hear that it can take a while to see teeth; lucky us. More pictures to come- I promise.

And now for the conclusion (Part II)

2009-06-02T08:26:00.004-04:00

I chatted with the daycare director face to face yesterday when we went to pick up Clara. The room was in much better condition (still not 100% but a lot better than when I walked in yesterday). Ms. Millie had left for the day so I still didn't get to speak with her (apparently her hours are 8:30-5:30. We have to drop Clara off before 7:30am and we can't pick her up until 6:15pm because Ray and I both work in the city and the daycare is way out in the 'burbs). After having a brief chat with two of Clara's "old teachers" (they are the original Infant I teachers that are now the new Infant II teachers) I spoke with Jessica (the director).

I explained to Jessica how I felt and what I thought about the switch and how I wished it had been better explained to us. I told her I was rather upset with the state of the room in the morning and I felt like there was enough time for Ms Millie to set up her room for all the new infants she was about to get. I let her know that I didn't think it was acceptable that if I am handing over medication to teachers that the actual teacher who would be administering the drug to my child wasn't there to speak to. Jessica explained that whatever teacher I spoke to could relay any messages. I said "look I know they are supposed to do that but when you have 6 children who are all either in stages of crawling, crusing, walking etc your primary concern when another teacher walks into the door is to get help. That usually means handing over whatever children aren't really 'your' children and stopping the children that are 'yours' from running amok in the room. Now with that in mind some things, some very important things, may not be communicated and while I know I can write a page long note about my Clara-once again with other children involved things don't get read, things get missed and we have problems." So Jessica said she understood my concern. Then I mentioned about the little babies typically being asleep earlier in the morning (or at least going down earlier than the 9-18 month crowd). I said "listen most 9-18 month olds have set nap times, right? Little little ones usually don't-they sleep when they are tired, eat when they are hungry typically-they are much harder to schedule. When you have to have them in a room where there is no place for them to sleep except the floor on a boppy or in the bouncy seat or in another child's crib [I actually don't think they allow this] it's really not conducive to their happiness and well-being. Not to mention when Ms. Millie comes in the door at 8:30am if my child happens to be napping already, now Ms. Millie has to pick her up, move her to the other room, put her in her crib. That can be disruptive and disturbing to my kid, you understand what I am saying?" And Jessica said "absolutely and I never thought about it like that. Perhaps what I need to do is have one of the Infant II teachers in the Infant I room until Ms. Millie comes in." Then Jessica said she thought it might be difficult to convince any of the now Infant II teachers to move to the Infant I room because all the Infant II teachers are very social and part of the reason Ms. Millie only has three babies is because she likes to "work alone." Well HELL PEOPLE- this ins't a freaking democracy is it? I wanted to say "Uh but Jessica YOU ARE THE BOSS AND YOU MAKE THE SCHEDULE" I mean tough crap that you HAVE to be in an hour early so you can actually TALK to parents (GOD freakin' forbid that happens) or that you have to leave your precious Infant II room so that someone can pay attention to my kid while she sleeps. LOOK I know it's no fun dealing with a 4 month old- I mean what does a 4 month old do but eat, sleep, poop, smile and be charming? But honestly NOT MY PROBLEM. You get PAID to sit and watch my kid sleep for heaven's sake. It's the easiest f'ing thing to do that, no?

Anyway, we'll see what Jessica ends up doing.

*sigh* Yet another reason I need to be home with my kid. WHY does it have to be so hard folks? Why?

P.S. The doctor called and she has e. coli in her urine. Ugh. We have to keep giving her the abx and call the doc in a week. My guess is for a follow-up cath. Fun!

And now for the conclusion (and a rant)

2009-06-01T08:28:00.002-04:00

Meh

So yes she did have to be catherized on Friday (ugh). Ray took her to the doctor and once again he found not apparent problem with her but to be sure he made Ray take her over to St. Joe's peds wing to get a catheter so that they could do a urine dip and a culture. The results of the dip were inconclusive (there could be something but it's really not likely causing the issue etc etc) we were told the doc would have the results of the culture yesterday but in the meantime he was putting her on abx. The doctor didn't call yesterday so Ray will call this morning to see what the results are. She stopped needing the tylenol on Saturday afternoon. But that's normally how it goes with her. She runs the fever for less than a day and then she's perfectly fine. So, if it is a UTI then at least she won't be running any more fevers with no apparent cause. However, if it isn't a UTI then I am not sure what our next step will be. Ray will find out today.

And while this is all stressful enough for a new mommy I've got other issues on my mind.

Last Thursday the daycare sent out a letter saying that they were changing the Infant I and Infant II rooms because they had more infants that were crawling, cruising and walking then they had in Clara's age range (under 6 months). The way they were doing it is to move the younger infants to the smaller room and leave the older ones in the bigger room. The teachers, however, would remain in their original rooms (i.e. Clara would have a new teacher). OK, fine I thought not a problem she's only 4 months old she doesn't care who gives her the bottle and changes her- this should not be an issue.

HOWEVER, I thought that since today was the first day of the switch I would (A) get the meet the new teacher (nope didn't happen-apparently "Ms. Millie" doesn't get in until 8:30am) (B) the room where she would be staying would be set up (no again). In fact the mattresses weren't in the cribs and there were no names on the cribs. And just an aside Clara is ALWAYS and I do mean ALWAYS asleep when I bring her in the morning and I like to lay her down in her crib so she can get some extra zzz but with no teacher in there and no freakin' crib to sleep in what the heck am I supposed to do???? THAT on top of the fact that usually I fill out a sheet for Clara (saying what time she ate and woke up plus special notes for the teacher) but the new room didn't have a clipboard, pen or the freakin' sheet for me to write on. Not to mention the fridge being an absolute mess and labled with the wrong freakin' names. And finally, to add insult to injury, I am supposed to leave Clara's medication for Ms. Millie to give to her but I couldn't talk with her about it because she wasn't in. No thanks. I'll just give her all the medication at home thankyouverymuchandhaveaniceday.

They knew they were doing this Infant I/Infant II switch-a-roo long before the parents got notified (which for the record no one asked if we were okay with). With that in mind why didn't they have all the stuff done? This switch should have been freaking effortless and not the cause of frustration. I am so angry right now. I should not have walked into the new infant I room today to see other children's names where my child's name should have been. I should not have walked into that room and NOT seen my child's teacher. If anything TODAY (and even if it was just today) Ms. Millie should have gotten her ass in early to meet the parents of her students. For crap sake!

I guess I'll be making a phone call this morning...

Oh No

2009-05-29T12:23:00.002-04:00

Another Friday, another fever. WHAT IS GOING ON?

I'm distraught. Waiting, impatiently I might add, for the doctor's office to call. WHY ARE THEY NEVER THERE WHEN YOU NEED THEM TO BE? The fever is 101.2 in her armpit, so for all intents and purposes probably closer to 102. Daycare just called to have me pick her up. Except I can't because Ray and I commute together (we're saving the world one car at a time :eyeroll:) on days like this WE NEED TWO F'ING CARS. So Ray went to get her (this is the 4th Friday he had to take time from work to take her to the doctor-his boss is looking at him a little funny now). Overall situation= THE MAJOR SUCKAGE.

Doctor suggested last time she may have a UTI which would require a catheter to get the pee out. :( My poor little thing. If that yields nothing then it's blood test and eventually a freakin' spinal tap. Please dear lord if you only grant me one prayer this year let it be this. NO SPINAL for Clara. I am fairly sure I'd be absolutely beside myself with sadness if they had to give her one. UGH.

Why only on Fridays? Why? She seems so happy and so wonderful during the week and then on Fridays all hell breaks loose.

4 month check-up

2009-05-26T13:39:00.003-04:00

So the Clara Rose had her 4 month check up today and her next round of shots.

She is 11 lbs 4 oz (hanging out around the 15th percentile for weight) and 25 inches (she's in the 75th percentile for height). Dr DeVoe doesn't seem concerned in the least. He said infants usually grow about 10 inches in the first year and she's already at half of what she would normally grow so he seems to think the next few check-ups she won't grow taller so much as gain weight. No worries. She's a cutie pie. I just keep saying she's tall and skinny like her daddy.

She got her next round of shots too. She took them like a champ. She barely cried and when it was all over she didn't cry at all. She just sucked her pacifier and went back to sleep. We dropped her off at daycare (I gave her some tylenol just in case) and she was as happy as happy could be. Her little friend in daycare (her name is Annika) is sick though and was having a rough day. Hopefully Clara will not catch that.

Overall the doctor seems to think she is doing very well. We just have to keep our eye on her spiking the fevers (which she did two fridays ago and the friday before this last one) because it could be a UTI, although not likely.

I've got more pictures to post as soon as I get to it.

Mama Really Does Know Best

2009-05-18T08:38:00.002-04:00

Last week the teachers at Clara's daycare asked me to talk with the pediatrician to up her bottles from 4oz of formula to 6oz since she seems to be "hungry" all the time. Anyway, Clara and I have had some issues breastfeeding lately (she's on a bit of strike I'd say) and because my production has gone down (due to a nasty cold and the return of my not so wonderful cycle) I've had to really start to supplement her at daycare with formula (not really by choice mind you, by necessity). She's taken to the formula okay but she does tend to spit-up a lot more when she eats it. Now, I am not sure if it's the formula (probably not) or the fact that she cannot control herself when she gets her cute little mouth around the bottle nipple. Either way- disaster almost always strikes within moments of a feeding if she is not burped right away.

The thing is, I believe the teachers have mistaken her "I am so full" cry for "I want more" cry. So this weekend I tried a little experiement. Since Clara is still on strike with my boobies (I pump to retain any semblance of supply- ask me how that's going :/) I gave her formula and then pumped (the amount I pump is not enough to use at the next feeding so I just keep it in the fridge and continue to add to it until I have enough for a bottle-very sad). This past Sunday morning I gave her 6 oz like the teachers at daycare suggested. She gulped it down and then without missing a beat promptly, without even so much as me lifting her up after feeding, spit up half of it. Ahhh, I thought to myself she is WAAAY overfed. Next feeding I gave her only 5 oz and when she was done she cried like she was still hungry but instead of making another oz or two of formula I let her cry and burped her through it. Wouldn't you know it, she burped up a really good burp followed by two smaller ones, she sorta cried after that, I gave her the pacifier and she went right to sleep. SOOOOO- what that tells me is that she would eat as much as I put her little mouth even if she isn't hungry enough to eat it. She still only needs maybe an extra ounce of formula/breastmilk and one really good burp followed by some extra sucking time (like she usually does when she breastfeeds) in order to keep most of her food down.

I repeated this experiment the next feeding and, same thing. She cried after the feeding, I burped her until she let one out and then she calmed down a little, gave her the pacifier and she went right to sleep. I had a feeling that upping her to 6oz was going to be too much. The girl is only 11lbs at the most, technically she only needs 28oz of food each day in order to gain weight. If I gave her 6, 6oz bottles she is being WAAAY overfed. Even 6, 5oz bottles is more than she really needs but I feel more comfortable with 2 extra ouces than I do with 8 extra ounces that she spits up anyway.

Needless to say, today when I went into daycare I told them about our weekend and explained to them what they need to do in order to make sure she is getting all the food to stay in and at the same time sending home with me less bibs with spit up on them (now granted she does tend to droll a lot). PLUS I was noticing with the more formula she was drinking the more constipated she was getting. Also a sign she was getting way more than her body could handle.

Mommy 1, Daycare 0. And reason #12,342,302,935,982,349,283,749,823 I need to find a way to be a SAHM. *sigh*

Why Daycare Stinks

2009-04-22T08:50:00.002-04:00

Oh, I don't mean my daycare. I mean daycare in general. The daycare Clara goes to is extremely nice- very learning focused and the teachers are wonderful. But having her go there sucks in general.

30 years ago when I was born I think women had it the best. I say this because- they had the option to work but didn't have to. Now I feel like it's the opposite of the way things were in the 50's. Back in the 50's women couldn't/didn't work- they didn't have a real choice to work. These days I don't have a choice but to work. So few women these days can really afford to be stay at home mothers. There are probably more working moms out there now than there used to be. Back in the 50s there were probably very few working moms-today there are few stay at home moms. You see where I am going with this?

That's why I say things were better 30 years ago. It was probably more evenly mixed back then. Or perhaps I romaticize it a little. I just know that my mom stayed home with me and my dad worked and he was the only one who had to work. Now in order to pay our bills, I have to work. And that isn't to say that we live beyond our means. We don't-at all. But we have an electric bill, oil bill, water bill, gas bill, mortgage, car payment, cable, food purchases, student loans and, of course, daycare (notice in there no credit card bills...can't imagine how we'd do anything if we had that kind of debt hanging over us). And although Ray makes a nice chunk of money that chunk would only pay about 1/2 of our bills and my income has to make up the other half. It's totally sucky.

So that's why I say- Daycare Stinks because if it didn't exist we probably would find other means for me to stay home but because it does, and because it doesn't even come close to being ineffective cost wise (i.e. it's still "cheaper" for me to put Clara in daycare than to give up my entire salary to stay home with her)-here we are. And it sucks.

I have this fantasy of when Clara is in elementary school. I'll be able to pick her up after school (not possible now with my 9-5) and take her home, work on her homework or watch her play. Then in the summer I'll be able to take her to the park or out to Nana and Pappy's or up to Grandma and Grandpa's without having to "request time off" to do all that stuff. But it's a fantasy and that's it. Because, it can't and never will happen.

I told Ray one of the reasons (besides the whole pain of labor thing) why I don't want to have any more children, isn't because I wouldn't LOVE to have more (providing I could get over the whole pain of labor thing-which so far, not happening) but because I cannot feel my heartbreak by putting yet another child into daycare. Having someone else watch all his/her milestones, wondering if his/her first word will not be Mama or Dada but a teacher's name. It's an awful feeling.

I try to convince myself that being at work is okay. That being here is good because 1. I get adult interaction 2. I use my brain more (ok some days that isn't true) 3. I am providing a home, clothing, food for my family. But- money is money and at the end of the day I am providing tangible things for my family but what I have to exchange for those tangible things is quality time with my baby. What do you think, at the end of the day, she will remember more? The fact that she had new clothing to wear or the fact that Mommy made her breakfast, lunch and dinner every day, picked her up from school, helped her do her homework, did art projects, took her to swim lessons...yeah that's what i thought.

And now, I must end this post before I cry.

Playing Catch-Up

2009-04-07T11:55:00.007-04:00

I'm absolutely convinced that there are not enough hours in the day to do all the things I need to get done. And now I am about to add less time to that. But first things first...

Isn't she just the cutest thing EVER? We went to church on Sunday for the first time with her. We had her in her Easter dress and bonnet because we aren't seeing Ray's family for Easter this year and we were having them over for "Easter Dinner" on Palm Sunday. So I dressed her up for them. I bought the dress from Janie and Jack two weeks ago. Normally I just browse the sale rack there but this dress was so freakin' adorable I had to get it. But the bonnet they had with the dress was too big for her and it was more like a sun hat than a bonnet. So naturally I complained to my mother. She found two adorable bonnets at dillards in Oklahoma City while she was visiting with my sister. And this one was perfect with her little dress.

While my mom was here we did some more shopping and found two more cute little dresses for her to wear. Now that she's finally in the 0-3 month sizes (more about that in a second) her clothing options have opened up a bit. I am so excited it's going into spring and there are such cute things out there for her.

Regarding the 0-3 sizes- last Monday we took Clara to the doctor for her first set of shots. She did okay- I was a mess, naturally. She cried for a good 5 minutes with real tears and everything. I never saw her get so worked up over anything. Anyway, according to Dr DeVoe (her pediatrician) she weighs 8lbs 11oz now and is 23 inches tall. The charts tell him that she is falling between the 10th and 25th percentile for weight but in the 75th for height. So naturally the doctor asks "is she still being breastfeed" and I said "yes"- I assume to look at the weight in a more realistic way if he is using a "formula chart" so he said "okay" and then he said "well it seems to me that she's putting all her calories into growing taller." I asked if he was concerned with the weight and he said "not really, babies tend to catch up eventually"- we talked a little more about her incessent hiccuping and her explosive poo diapers (for some reason every three days or so she explodes a diaper- we have no idea why) and he said it was all pretty normal (which we figured but one never knows).

In other news, I had Ray print out 30 invitations to Clara's baptism that will be taking place on May 10 (Mother's Day!) And oh the hoops people have to jump through these days to be Godparents. Who knew? Either way, the invites are going out this week along with the information to the church about the Godparents. Ray and I need to attend some kind of class before hand too. My goodness...anyway we are having a party at our house afterwards and I decided not to do a lot of cooking. The only thing I am doing is making a spiral cut ham- and even that is mostly done just the glaze needs to be put on it. So, it should be nice if we get people to come. The ceremony is taking place after Mass so, at least that's good for those who don't want to spend an hour in church. The bad thing is that we'll have at least 4 other babies being baptised along with Clara. Meh, as long as she gets baptised who cares who else is there. So we decided to have my twin sister and Ray's brother be the Godparents. I even bought a new dress for the occassion. My sister and I are supposed to go look for one for Clara this coming weekend if there is time between visiting everyone in creation with Clara in tow.

Other than that stuff. And getting back to my original comment. I've decided to go back to school. Ray and I discussed having another baby right away considering my health and age and I determined that I am content for now with Clara and that I had been thinking a lot about going back to school. I want to go into a field that I feel good about- reviewing insurance advertising (while fun and exciting :eye roll:) is not my idea of an altruistic career path. And now that I have Clara I feel like I want to help people more, not contribute to trash that's created (yes I am that evil-doer that reviews the junk mail you toss out regularly). So in the past my interests were to return to school to get my PhD in Sociology (specifically demography) but I cannot commit 7 years to a full time program and my interest in demography has waned significantly over the years. And I still need to take care of Ray, Clara, the house and more than those things I need to be working. My other areas of interest were to work in the health care industry and get out of legal all together. To that end I research some things I was interested in and decided to go back to school to become a Speech Language Pathologist.

In order to do that I could go in one of two directions a "three year" program where I would take any and all undergrad requirements along with the courses to get an M.S or I can start to take classes for a second bachelors degree and get my B.S and then apply seperately to the Master's program. I decided to do the latter since the former is a full time program that I cannot commit time to (see reasons above). I sent out my application today and requests for transcripts today also. I should know in a few months I think if I got in for the fall semester. Then I can start taking classes part time. The first classes will be algebra for applications, biology for health professionals and ASL. The math and science class are required to apply for the major, ASL I think will just help me in the field generally since the field deals with speech, language and hearing problems. Wish me luck.

So that's really all that's going on around here. More pictures after the weekend.

Adjusting to Mommyhood

2009-03-25T15:44:00.003-04:00

So, on the 28th Clara will be 2 months old. Hard to believe.

We took Clara for her first set of pictures about two weeks ago. They came out so cute (I'll post them at the bottom). She is doing so well and she's just a joy.

Going back to work has been- well, interesting. It keeps me busy since I am only there three days a week I have to shove a lot more into my days now. But that's a good thing I don't spend a lot of time thinking about missing Clara. The only time I get sad is when I am pumping milk for her.

We've taken her out a few times- mostly to Nana and Pappy's house (Ray's parents) and around the block in the stroller. She's so calm and happy and loves to play with her little play gym or in the bouncer that Ray's parents have. They even got a pack and play for her so we didn't constantly have to drag ours up.

We are going up to NY to see my parents for Easter. She'll get to meet my grandmother and my aunt, uncle and cousins as well as my brother and future SIL. Unfortunately my sister won't be there but that's okay my sister will be in around May for Clara's baptism.

Other than that life is wonderful with her. She's sleeping more through the night. She's happy and alert most of the day. She's eating well, gaining weight and growing. She's smiling and grabbing on to things- she loves music and she loves being held by EVERYONE. She's just a joy to be with!

So here is a picture from her first set of professional pictures. Isn't she just the cutest?

Daycare and Gas

2009-02-20T05:15:00.002-05:00

I am feeling all bound up. Like my darling Clara.

That's what's been the issue by the way with why she's not been sleeping well. She's totally a gas bag. It seems that I have overproduction problems, mainly because Clara is a comfort sucker and so I am overproducing milk and thus having a more forceful let down when she first chomps on. Poor thing. So we're fixing that by me pumping off the first 5 minutes and then letting her latch on, this way the first let down is gone and the rest go a bit easier. Not sure how it's working yet. Ray feeds her the pumped portion. We were originally going to go with bottles to feed her the extra (since the pediatrician gave us the go-ahead to start her on that so she would take a bottle once she's being watch by someone other than me) after she gets off me but the nipple flow is still way too fast for her causing dribbling and gas (which we are trying to avoid). So we are back to finger feeding to avoid the gas issues until the nipple flow isn't an issue any more. I'll try again with the bottle tomorrow night.

The reason I am all bound up? The daycare situation. So, silly me didn't think about doing all that much research on the whole daycare bit since, at the time, I only needed daycare one day a week. I figured- how hard can it be to find a daycare for her one day a week? Well apparently very hard. The situation was supposed to be me two days a week, Jen (my SIL) one day and my MIL one day. But my MIL can no longer do a day so I am left with two days that Clara needs daycare. Still not really an issue-it will cost a little more but no problem we are okay with that. The issue is now finding a place to put her two days a week. The three day care places I contacted all have waiting lists or don't take infants part time :(.

I checked craigslist for part time nannies since that's really the only option. The question then becomes "how reliable are these people" and "how do I pay them so that all the right taxes and things get taken out?"- most of the nannies advertising are child ed students at the local university- 22 year olds. How much infant experience can they have? But, in truth, my SIL probably has just about as much experience, if not less, than these folks do- but since she is my SIL I am way less worried about it. For two days a week, as long as the person has decent references and doesn't want 100 bucks a day I might consider it. Of course Ray thinks this is crazy-he rather, I guess, have her in a facility with 15 other infants where she won't be nearly as well monitored. I dunno. There are pros and cons for each. I just wish there were more mommies around here that worked part time so that we could trade off days...it just ugh.

So now I have about 4 weeks to square a few things- health insurance, daycare, my work schedule and Clara's baptism. So much stress....

So tired

2009-02-18T12:12:00.002-05:00

They never tell you how difficult parenting really is. I mean people talk about sleepless nights and fussiness and all kinds of things but you never think "that will be me"- or maybe you do but you don't care.

Well last night was a dozie. We gave Clara a bath around 8:30 and I fed her around 9. She finished up around 9:30 and promptly fell asleep. At that point I told Ray we should probably head to bed but we were both watching an episode of Boston Legal and wanted to finish it. At 10:30 we headed to bed. The moment I put her in the bassinet she woke up. Full on awake. And remained that way until 4am. Ray took her downstairs to be rocked in the glider from 2am until 4am. At 4am I fed her again and she finally went to sleep until 7am. She's been napping on and off all morning.

I am at a loss for what to do. Do I try and keep her up today in the hopes that she'll sleep tonight? Do I let her sleep today and sleep when she's sleeping and then just stay up with her tonight? If I didn't have a weight watchers meeting tonight I could do that. Jen is coming over this afternoon and would be able to "watch" while slept. But I would feel bad just leaving Jen to watch tv with no interaction from me. We'll see what happens when she gets here.

And lately, I don't know if it's stress and lack of sleep or what but my tummy has been hurting more now than ever. I have no idea what I am going to do when I have to go back to work. Which is another stressor all together since my daycare situation has changed now :(

More stress between Ray's job, daycare, not sleeping...ugh.

Pictures

2009-02-04T16:48:00.009-05:00

So---A Day in the Life of Clara Rose

2009-02-02T21:17:00.003-05:00

Eat, sleep, poop---repeat

But she's wonderful. We had a few tough nights there but now we're all set. She feeds really well, usually, but there was some concern that I might not get milk in due to the fact that I have PCOS. So ladies, if you've been diagnosed and you plan to breastfeed- let the postpartum nurse (or lactation consultant) know. They may have you supplement with formula for a little bit (via finger feeding). My milk did come in so everything seems to be okay.

Clara had lost about 11% of her birth weight, even with feedings every two hours- also her bilirubin level was moderate to high when we left the hospital on Friday. They made us repeat the bilirubin level on Saturday and the pediatrician called to tell us that he thought the level was okay but that we'd repeat it after we saw him today. So tomorrow we are going back to the hospital to have the level repeated. The pediatrician seems to think she'll be in normal range. The rest of her check-up went uneventfully. She gained back 8oz so now she weighs 6lbs 8oz Ray keeps saying how tiny she is. But considering how short I am, how big did he think she was going to be? I had no place to put her. LOL

I am not usually one to repeat birth stories but since it was requested I will. Those who don't want to read can stop if they want...

So, Ray and I were asked to be at the hospital at 6pm for an 8pm induction. Why? Who knows, they didn't even know. So we ate dinner quite early (around 4:30). We got the hospital and signed in but the charge nurse who was on duty was going off duty at 7pm and she told us we'd have to wait for the next charge nurse to come on duty before I could be admitted. So Ray and I went down to the hospital cafeteria for a drink and to work on a crossword puzzle.

At 7:30 we went back to L&D and the charge nurse admitted me. We were put in a labor room and I changed into a gown. They stuck me so that I could have an IV (apparently for fluids, pitocin and antibiotics for the GBS). My doc came in around 9:30 to let me know that they were going to start me on cervidil (a cervical ripen agent) since I was still only at 1cm, 40% and -2 station. I was told to try and get some sleep after they put the cervidil in. Well I tried to sleep but by 4am I was absolutely STARVING. Crying in hunger pain. The nurse came in only to tell me I couldn't eat- I couldn't even have a glass of water. But thank god for Ray because he just kept going out there to tell them how miserable I was. Eventually the resident on call came in and said I could have some ice with cranberry juice in it (SUGAR=GOOD). When my doc (the attending) heard about my anguish she agreed to clear liquids (meaning I could have some broth, jello, tea etc). So I ordered my food and Ray and I ate around 9am. Which is also about the time my doctor took out the rest of the cervidil and determined I was 2.5cm and about 60% effaced but still at -2 station.

The baby had to be continuously monitored due to the PIH- so I was strapped in bed nearly the entire length of time (1.5 days). Which, let me tell you sucked. After they removed the cervidil and before they started the pitocin my new nurse let me shower and walk around the room for about 10 minutes before forcing me back into bed and starting pitocin and antibiotics. So things were relatively uninteresting for quite a while. Mainly because I made almost no progress. At 4:30pm my doc requested that they break my water and lower my pitocin, figuring that I would have regular contractions on my own. That didn't happen. Around 7pm my doctor came in and told me that she was off on-call and that one of the other docs from their practice would be in (one I saw, thankfully). A new nurse came on and it was decided that they would continue to up my pitocin after dialing it back and seeing very little progress.

The nurse continued to up my pitocin until my contractions were regular. At this point I was in a ton of pain. So Ray suggested that I decide whether I want an epidural. I still wasn't sure since I was only 4cm at that point. I opted instead for stadol. Which really really helped me relax through my contractions better, so much better that within 3 hours I had gone from 4cm to 7cm. Then I started to have serious pain. I asked for them to give me more stadol since I knew it only lasted 3 hours. But the nurse told me I'd have to wait an extra half and hour for them to give it to me. So we waited but they never called in the order for the medication. So at that point I figured since I had to wait another half hour I would take the epidural.

By the time they ran all the fluids into me to do the epidural and I was checked again prior to getting it. I was at 9cm but I knew I couldn't deal with the pain. Not to mention the pressure since Clara has clearly come down into the birth canal. It was the best decision I ever made- because then all I had to do was work my way though the pressure. That took about an hour and then Ray called the nurse because I was feeling the urge to push without contractions.

The resident came in and let me push for a few contractions. They broke down the bed and I pushed for about 20 minutes and then, she was here. In all her cuteness.

I saw my doc the following day and she said at one point they had concerns that I would need a c-section since I made so little progress at first. But, the nurse was so good about the pitocin and I let myself relax after the stadol that it became unnecessary. My doctor told me that she was proud of me.

I only ended up with two minor tears- that don't even hurt. Overall it was an okay experience. I do wish they had let me walk around more, I think if they had she would have moved down and put pressure on my cervix making upping the pitocin level less likely. But as it was no compliants and Clara is wonderful. Though I am not too sure i want to repeat this experience any time too soon...

It's a Girl

2009-01-29T20:23:00.004-05:00

Clara Rose born on January 28, 2009 at 2:14am. She was 6lbs 12.7oz at birth and 19 7/8ths inches long.

She breastfeeds extremely well, sleeps well and is all around a happy baby. We are so lucky.

I apologize for not updating sooner but I've been trying to get a routine together while we are here in the hospital and last night was a toughy for us. But we made it through.

My mom is staying with me tonight, Ray went back to house with my dad so he can sleep in our bed and get some rest. He'll be back tomorrow and I'll be released from here. The experience has been wonderful.

I will however spare the details of the birth process---but that wasn't too bad either. Here's a picture of her:

Today's The Day

2009-01-26T12:23:00.002-05:00

We'll be heading to the hospital in 5 hours to start the induction of Baby Parrish. I am nervous, excited and scared but I really can't wait to meet our little one.

I have to admit I had a total freak out Sunday- fit with crying and everything. Ray was great, told me we'd be fine (do I believe him?) and that we have lots of support and love and that's what's important.

I know all that. But still, you know...

Anyway, I think the freak-out was pretty normal and I am over it now. Everyone will be around (though I am not 100% sure if that's a good idea) the first week or so after the baby is here. I am hoping I get some peace and quiet in the hospital tonight- just me and Ray.

Well- the next post will let you know what we had, what the baby's name is and all the details. Wish me luck!

Well it's official

2009-01-19T17:51:00.002-05:00

The doctor has scheduled an induction for next Tuesday. So I have to go into the hospital on Monday night to get some medicine to soften my cervix. hopefully it will all go well.

Naturally there are still a bunch of things that need to be done before Baby P's arrival. But none of it is major end my mom will be here this weekend so it will all get done.

As soon anything happens I'll update again. In the meantime we've got lots to do.

Ahhh yes...

2009-01-12T04:09:00.002-05:00

So I've determined that this whole bed rest thing might not be too terrible. I haven't quite been feeling that great and I certainly can't sleep. Poor Ray.

I do feel like I should get back to work though. I wish I could work from home but the way my job is structured I just cannot. It sorta sucks.

Today I have to speak with our Employee Service Center to get my leave taken care of. My doc indicated that she thought if my pressure was okay I could go back to work. But I will only do that if I can go back full time and not have any complications. If she only lets me back part time it wouldn't be worth it. Plus I'd have to make the 5 work day elimination period AGAIN and I am not sure I want to do that. The only advantage is that I could, possibly do the 5 day elimination period unpaid without too much consequence for our budget. Really, it's not a big deal if they keep me out for the rest of the month- just I would have had more time as a p/t employee after my 6 weeks of paid STD leave was up under the FMLA rules. Now I have to sorta re-arrange it.

Overall though, I am doing okay. I finished the baby's blanket (finally) and we got the baby's name up in the room, which means NO ONE is allowed in there now. It looks so freakin' cute. We still need to put the shelves up above the changing table but because our house was built in '41 we don't have drywall in there but plaster walls and it's been really really tough locating the studs with the stud finder. So we are trying a different approach (one I am not too happy about btw). But at least it will allow Ray to find the studs and hang the shelves this week.

Once the shelves are up, we have two more things for the wall and then the room is officially finished. Ray can then move the glider up to our bedroom and I can move our mini-rocking chair in there. After the baby decides to sleep through the night we'll move the glider back into the nursery.

I am so happy with the way it turned out. Once the baby is here I'll post pictures.

So, things are okay. I just wish I could sleep. I was up at 3:30AM today and I have an early morning NST today too. I just hope my pressure is looking okay. My guess is that everything will be fine. As usual.

I have a doctor's appointment Tuesday and then another NST on Thursday. Lots of fun!

It's all fun and games until they make you pee in a jug

2009-01-06T08:52:00.002-05:00

Oh Ann, I never thought I would truly understand how you felt about the jug o' pee until I got the chance last night to experience it myself.

Bleh, and I'm on bed rest for at least a week. Which sucks hardcore btw.

So the story goes that I went in for my routine check up yesterday with my doctor. My pressure, after the nurse took it for the third time was 143/98- very bad. The doctor came in and checked it herself- it was 143/92-not too much better. I got to go to L&D triage to be monitored and checked for pre-e-fun? Not so much (i was really hungry). The tests all came back normal-I'm not swelling or anything but my pressure goes up when I sit up, stand up or lay flat. So I am supposed to lay on my right side or left side for at least the next week.

Of course I have a ton of crap to do-which includes finishing the nursery and my blanket.

Anyway, if the urine comes back with protein in it there is a pretty decent chance I'll be induced this week. Hopefully, everything will be normal and we won't have to worry about it. I am so not ready for this baby yet. But it's going to be what it's going to be, I suppose.

In the mean time I am going to do my best to take it easy. At the very least I'll finish packing my hospital bag (just in case) and do whatever left over baby laundry I have to do (only a few things). Ray can work it out with my FIL the rest of the nursery. With any luck the baby won't be here early and I can go naturally, like I want to.

So, that's it for now.

And I just keep rolling along

2008-12-24T12:25:00.002-05:00

Ahh yes, now comes the weekly visits to the doctor.

So far, so good. Of course the doc I saw this week is a twinge bit concerned with my 120/82 blood pressure. Odd, since I hear that's pretty normal. But it is "high" for me (typically i run around 110/70) so I guess I can appreciate the concern. She told me to run to CVS next Tuesday and check the pressure myself and if the diastolic is in the high 80's to call. It won't be. :)

Last night was our last childbirth class. I am sad, I really enjoyed that class. We ran through a "practice" labor- I did well I think :) LOL. We'll see how I do when it's really here. But I am excited, not nervous or worried like I thought I would be. I know if I keep myself calm I have a good chance of being able to handle the pain. And with Ray close by I know he'll be great support. I just CANNOT wait to meet this little kicking bundle of joy! (and btw OUCH).

Things are going great. Christmas is tomorrow and I am happy. I get two days off (tomorrow and Friday) and my mom will be here next Friday (after New Years). Ray and I are going out for Thai food (like we always do on New Year's eve- since Thai food and New Year's eve was our first date). I am really looking forward to spending our last "just us" new years together reminicing about how we met and all that happened this year. It's always such a special time of year for us.

Then after that only 4 more weeks until Baby Parrish is with us. I can't believe how fast this all went. It seems like only yesterday we closed on the house and I got my BFP. It's been such a fantastic year- what more could I possibly want?

So, overall doing well. Baby P is measuring right on track- no news on how much he/she weighs just yet-I'll ask my Dr at the next appointment if she can pinpoint an approximate weight for me. I don't think the baby is going to be huge (considering I don't have Gestational Diabetes and my measurements are spot on). Now me on the other hand---I am looking forward to seeing how much I weigh AFTER the baby is here. We'll see how much work I have to do to get back to where I was before I got pregnant. Hopefully it won't be too bad- I've only gained about 30 or so lbs since the start-which isn't bad.

That's it for me (and Baby P). Happy Holidays everyone!

Ok, I'm ready

2008-12-11T10:48:00.002-05:00

I am so ready to meet Baby Parrish. Seriously. I just cannot get comfortable in bed any more. I know I'll still be up every two hours when the baby is here (at least for the first few months) but eventually I will get to sleep again. I can't wait for that to happen. All the parts of my body hurt now and functioning at work is harder and harder each day. So unfair.

We had our first child birth class on Tuesday. It was great. Ray was wonderful- I adore him. He's been great around the house lately too. I am very lucky. He knows how much harder things have gotten for me in the past few weeks and he's really pitched in and tried to be there for me. I really appreciate that.

Last night we spent about 30 minutes trying to find some meditation music to bring to the delivery room with us. We practiced some of the breathing techniques- it was nice. I almost fell asleep on him though-LOL. It was good just to spend "us" time together.

I have a doctor's appointment today, so I get to leave work early- thankfully. It's with a different doc from the practice I go to. I hope she is nice. Not sure what we are going to talk about but- something for sure. I am hoping it's a pretty quick appointment because I would very much like to go home and nap after. :)

Tomorrow is my work shower. I am NOT looking forward to it. More about that at some later point- I am just too upset to really express it right now. Maybe over the weekend or next week I'll get into more details.

Anyway, that's it from here.

If they let me

2008-12-03T13:40:00.002-05:00

If my job would let me I would just nap right here at my desk. Heck if they'd let me I'd nap at home and get paid for it. LOL

I'm so tired. No, tired doesn't really cover it- more like absolutely beat. Like I've been awake for the last 4 days. I wish I knew why I couldn't sleep.

Yesterday was supposed to be our first child birth class but the instructor was ill so they pushed it back a week. Now we have to take the classes until right before Christmas. Oh well- it could be worse. At least the hospital is fairly close by.

Things are going well. Baby Parrish had a quiet day yesterday which freaked mommy out. Today he/she seems to be making up for it. I don't mind the kicking and squirming. It's reassuring to know baby is doing okay.

Supposedly I am supposed to be feeling some kind of contraction type things (braxon hicks or something) but so far, nada. Is that a bad thing? Everything still feels the same to me- maybe I am just too obtuse to notice? I do however notice that baby likes to hang out right under my ribs. Thankfully those don't get kicked often.

Overall things are normal. Just wish I could sleep longer/more.

And the award goes to

2008-12-02T08:36:00.004-05:00

Thanks to Meghan for my bloggy award...and so here are my nominations

1. Ann because she's a real life friend too.

2. Trish because even though she's been MIA lately she reminds me a lot of me.

3. Lauren Jean because she's also a real life friend.

4.Brittny because she is hilarious

5. Mel another real life buddy.

My Fabulous Five Addictions:
1. Chocolate

2. Coffee (yes even now)

3. Steelers Football

4. Right now, all things baby related (that will change I imagine)

5. Lush Cosmetics

Here are the rules to receiving this award:
1. You have to pass it on to 5 other fabulous blogs in a post.
2. You have to list 5 of your fabulous addictions in the post.
3. You must copy and paste the rules and the instructions below in the post.Instructions: On your post of receiving this award, make sure you include the person that gave you the award and link it back to them. When you post your five winners, make sure you link them as well. To add the award to your post, simply right-click, save image, then "add image" it in your post as a picture so your winners can save it as well. To add it to your sidebar, add the "picture" gidget.Also, don't forget to let your winners know they won an award from you by emailing them or leaving a comment on their blog.

So tired

2008-12-01T12:50:00.002-05:00

Sleep has become elusive lately. It was a busy busy weekend. But good.

On Wednesday my mom came in to help me prepare Thanksgiving dinner since my sister was coming in and my in-laws were coming over. 10 of us total. The dinner came out well but it was exausting for a pregnant woman. I also had a doctor's appointment that day. No weight gain (w00t) and all my tests are normal! So this pregnancy has been totally normal so far-which is great. I start seeing all the other Ob's starting at my next appointment. This way in case my Ob isn't on call or can't make it to the birth I'll at least know who the doc is that's sticking his/her hand up there-LOL.

The highlight of the weekend was the baby shower though. Which went really well I think.

I got a lot of stuff that Baby Parrish needs including a stroller, 2 car seats (one infant, one convertable), bedding for the crib, baby monitor, blankets, diapers...and surprisingly enough not a lot of clothing-which in all is a good thing. Baby Parrish still needs hats and socks though. I have to work on that.

Apparently some of the girls at work are also throwing me a shower- it's supposed to be on the 12th. I am sure I will end up with lots of clothing at that one. They are a little annoyed that I won't tell them the sex of the baby. Ahh well get over it.

Oh even more exciting than my shower? I found out I am also going to be an Auntie! My brother's girlfriend is pregnant too. She's due July 12. She's 41 and freaking out but overall in good spirits. Very sick though- I think they are afraid she may have hypermeisis- which would suck for her. Hopefully it isn't that and by the time she gets out of this trimester (which should be soon) she'll be feeling better. My brother is very excited! Maybe my parents will luck out and get one of each (a grandson and a grandaughter).

My dad was down after thanksgiving too and made a radiator cover for the baby's room- which is looking so darn cute right now. As soon as we have all (or most) of the things up on the walls I'll be sure to post of picture of it (with me in it so that those of you who know me can see what a whale I've become LOL).

Ok, well that's it from here. Hope everyone had a nice weekend.

So far-so good

2008-11-18T09:17:00.002-05:00

All the bloodwork was normal. The doc had to re-run the bile salts bloodwork but she didn't think it would show anything (the lab screwed up). My feet have been less itchy and I honestly think it's more stress/anxiety related than blood related.

Even better news is that I once again passed the GTT! 111, same as the one I took at the beginning of the pregnancy. Very very happy about that. The weight gain is still an issue and I've been trying really hard not to let it go out of control but my body likes to hold on to weight so this has been difficult. It will be good when I feel I am in control again-because right now I am not really. I think I am up around 30 plus lbs. It's horrible because I do not want to be where I was last summer-well above 200. The only good thing is that I am sure to lose a little of it when the baby gets here. Then it's back to weight watchers for me once I get everything at home on a schedule. Ray is 100% on board with me going back to WW once the baby is here. This is good because without his support it would be a lot harder.

Overall things are going okay. I am in major pain all the time it seems though. My back hurts, my knee hurts, my shoulder and neck hurt. Just so much fun all the time. But it's only 11 weeks until the baby is here, I know I can make it and it will be worth it. Of course I am nervous as heck too but- I'll get over it.

Well that's really it. My next appointment is right before Thanksgiving and then I am on a two week schedule (wow!) until Christmas and then once a week after that (yikes). Ray and I start our childbirth classes the first tuesday in December- that should be-enlightening for him.

I'll try to be more consistent with posting.

Only Because You Asked

2008-11-12T08:52:00.002-05:00

Cholestasis of pregnancy is actually a liver problem that causes excess bile salts to be deposited into the maternal blood stream. This causes the baby to absorb these excess bile salts potentially affecting the baby's liver function and sometimes causing jaundice or other complications.

If caught early enough the itching caused by the excess bile salts in the maternal blood can be controlled with medication but overall the spillage of these salts can't really be controlled, only monitored. Only about 1 to 2 in 1000 women ever develop Cholestasis of pregnancy. If the bile salts are not too high I will probably just be put on medication to control the itching and re-tested at each appointment to see if the levels are rising. If the doc thinks everything is okay she may still let me try to go more naturally rather than forcing me to have an induction early.

What I am hoping is that the levels are low enough that I can control the itching with medication and avoid the whole induction senario. Today will be the deciding factor. If my GTT comes back high I will also have to do the 3 hour test (sucks hardcore) and if I fail that then I am most likely going to have schedule an induction :( - there would just be too many potential complications between the cholestasis and the gestational diabetes. With any luck my GTT will be fine and the bile salt levels will be low.

I'll know today what the dr is thinking.

Updating the Major Points

2008-11-07T13:21:00.004-05:00

I am so so so so so sorry I haven't been here in a while Things are absolutely INSANE lately. I just don't have time to write everything down.

Ok so what's going on with me and Baby Parrish??

- Baby is doing awesome. My last appointment has me measuring right on target and the baby's heartrate is perfect (150s still). I am in the last trimester and trying not to freak out.

-Dr thinks I may have Cholestasis of pregnancy because I complained about having itchy feet. So instead of taking the one vial of blood for the GTT they had to take 8. That sucked but hopefully everything is okay and I won't have to worry to much. My Dr is great though she didn't get all bent out of shape about it even though it can cause some serious complications.

- My boss (sorta) is AWESOME. She was in town two weeks ago and I brought up going part time after my 6 weeks of leave are up. She was all for it! She said she thought that would not be a problem at all. I'll be working 3 days a week up to 30 hours for at least 6 weeks, possibly longer if we can manage it financially (I think we can). That would give me more time with the baby while he/she is under a year. My SIL Jen already agreed to do one day a week of babysitting for dinner (LOVE HER!!!) and I think I can totally convince my MIL to do something similar for the M&F. So baby will be out of day care for at least 6 weeks after I get back from Mat leave and then only in daycare 2 days a week after that if I go back full time. I am so happy about that arrangement.

- Things are going better in the Ray & Chris department too. It's been a difficult few weeks at the Parrish house. I've been an emotional wreak and totally stressed out but I finally got out what I needed to say yesterday and I think Ray is beginning to see how I am feeling. So that's good.

- Ray and my FIL went to go get the baby's bedroom furniture today to set it up. I got my first shower gift (still don't know what it is because of stupid UPS) -hopefully I'll get to see it today.

-I am insanely far behind on my projects for the baby. I still have to finish crocheting the blankie and the rest of the baby's name project (just the middle name remains thankfully). The holidays are coming and I am running out of time.

Well that's it from here. Life is crazy- many apologies for not updating more.

yeah yeah yeah

2008-10-17T10:15:00.003-04:00

I know I know...you think I forgot about you folks. I didn't.

Life has been hectic and crazy. I have no time for anything any more.

Yesterday was the feast day of St Gerard. Did you know that? That's just something completely random that I know.

Anyway, the baby is doing well. I am heading into trimester 3 and it's all becoming so real.

Thanks Trish for the Bradley information. I have so much to do I hadn't given it much thought since I wrote my last post. I have to look into that and some other things.

Other than the usual stress of getting ready for baby things are okay. I have a terrible toothache that I have to wait two weeks to get fixed because my dentist is a busy busy guy. In the mean time I suffer but today has been the best of it. Just a little bit of pain and I am hoping to not need tylenol but I don't know how lucky I will be with that.

Everything is going well. My birthday is coming up and Ray, baby and I will be in Boston. Not that baby will enjoy it much still being inside me but...we'll talk to baby and see :).

So that's the update. Next appointment isn't until November 5-then I only have 12 weeks after that. *sigh* who knew it would go so quickly?

Uh...

2008-09-26T08:54:00.003-04:00

So much to say, no time to say it.

Baby is moving and groovin' like the dickens. Of course Ray being oblivious still can't feel it. It's not like it's light taps or anything the baby uses my tummy as a punching bag but Ray can't seem to concentrate on what that feels like.

Anyway, I am not upset about it eventually the baby will kick or punch me hard enough he'll realize what it is. We decided on a name for the kidlet and bought furniture this week. Hopefully the furniture will be here before I give birth. We'll see. Even if it's not that's okay since baby will be in the PnP until he/she sleeps through the night. As long as I have the PnP and a place to sit upstairs in our bedroom that's all baby will need for sleeping arrangements when he/she is born. Everything else can come later I suppose.

I am slowly but surely working on the registry. Gosh there is so much baby crap- I probably don't need like 3/4 of it. But I want to register for the stuff I want not just need.

So naturally now that I am past the half way mark my thoughts have turned to L&D. I meant to talk with Dr J (my ob) about about it last time I was in the office but I had a raging UTI and talking about that took up most of our 20 minutes together. I'll ask at my next appointment. I still haven't decided if I want to go med free- I am thinking I would like to try but 1. I already know I'll be on antibiotics for the labor due to the GBS and 2. I don't want to be a hero-LOL. So I am not sure what the point of doing classes like Bradley etc are? Trish, I know you did Bradley are the infatically against pain meds? I'd like to leave my options open in case I can't take it. *sigh*

Life in general is going along okay so far. I still have yet to put up the wall paper border in the nursery but seriously, it will get done this weekend if I have to force Ray into the room with me. We also need to fix the closet door in there but I think that will have to wait until next weekend.

In other news- Ray's cousin Mark and his wife Julia (they are the one that have the year old baby boy-Sam) are expecting again. She's due two months after me almost exactly. We saw them probably a week before they found out. Isn't that great? I am so excited for them!! She said she's been really sick this time around- I told her that means it's probably a girl (just based on the fact that her symptoms are different from when she was pregnant with Sam). We are excited to see them next weekend-I guess I gotta start another blanket (of course I should finish the one for our baby first right?). I hope she didn't put her maternity clothes too far away-LOL.

Well that's it from here...back to work (or something like that) TGIF though!

On the fat train

2008-09-11T09:01:00.003-04:00

I had an OB appointment yesterday. Aside from making me wait an additional half hour the appointment was rather uneventful. Just the usual, weight, blood pressue, pee in a cup stuff.

My AFP test came back normal. And the best news yet my early GTT came back normal too. w00t! I will have to do it again at 28 weeks or something like that but at least this one was in normal range so I am not so worried about the next one.

I gained 6lbs in the last 4 weeks. I have NO idea how that happened. I really watch what I eat but I am hungry all the time now. I don't eat chips or sweets-usually just fruit, yogurt or crackers so I am at a loss. I mean I am not perfect by any strech but it seems so odd to gain that much when I know I've been watching. Anyway, I am determined to do better these next 4 weeks. Ray is back on the WW bandwagon since he's been putting on the sympathy weight. Poor thing.

The baby is doing well. Heartrate was great and Doc had no trouble finding it at all. Baby was quite jumpy after the appointment and I actually felt him/her kick me when I put my hand on my tummy. That was cool. Ray spent about 10 minutes waiting to feel the same thing but naturally baby wanted to be a PITA. Now I know he/she takes after me. LOL.

This weekend I am determined to fix the curtains in the nursery and put up the wallpaper border. We are going to Lancaster next Saturday to pick out furniture. I figured I better get on that now while I still feel like I can and especially if it has to be ordered, it may take a while.

We started the babies r us registry and target too just because I am anal and I figured I better get my sh*t together sooner rather than later. I get into doing something and then lose interest so if I do it a little at a time that's better than leaving it to the last minute during the holidays. I can't believe it's already September. Gosh this whole pregnancy is going by so fast.

Well, that's really it from me and Baby Parrish. We have our next u/s appt in two weeks to check out baby's heart again. Not worried just excited to see our little one again.

It's a...

2008-09-03T10:31:00.002-04:00

Haahahaha you thought I was going to tell you, didn't you?

Sorry ladies but I will not say what baby is. Just know it is either a boy or a girl, for sure.

The u/s went very well. Baby is measuring 17w6d as of yesterday and all the parts in the right place, all fingers and toes are there. The only thing is we need to go back in three weeks for them to check out baby's heart again. It seems baby was just too small to see all the necessary stuff to rule out any problems with the heart. It's totally routine for doc's to make people come back when baby is being uncooperative.

My mom and my sister were there which was a treat. The u/s tech told us baby's gender before they came into the room. Lucky us. So the secret is still safe! Now we just have to decide on names for our kidlet and we'll be all set (yup, you'll have to wait until after delivery on that one too).

Just know our babe is perfectly fine and healthy and the doc thinks baby's heart is fine too but they just have to see us again to be sure. :)

My next ob appt is next wednesday and I'll get to hear baby again. We are so lucky! I can't wait until we find a name for our little one. Soooo exciting.

Bundle of...nerves?

2008-09-02T12:30:00.002-04:00

So here I am waiting impatiently for the hour to pass until Ray comes to get me for our "BIG u/s"! Gosh it seems so ominous when written like that.

I am just trying not to let my blood pressure go up. I know the chances are that everything is perfectly fine with the baby and that really the only thing I have to think about is whether I'll be more excited if baby is a boy or a girl. But naturally I have to make myself fret so I can feel like I am doing something...

The appointment is at 2pm but they won't take me in until 2:30 effectively making me stress even harder for even longer. Ray keeps telling me that everything with baby is perfect and that there is nothing to worry about. He also knows that by saying that it doesn't help but he says it anyway.

I shouldn't even be remotely worried because if any of my tests had come back positive for anything I am sure the Doc would have called. Then again, maybe not. I went 3 weeks with Group B Strep before the Ob finally said "did you take the antibiotics that were prescribed to you?" and I said "what?" and she said "for the group b strep, didn't someone call you?" -"uh no" but that wasn't a big deal (going the extra few weeks since it wasn't an active infection but rather "colinization"). A positive NT scan or triple screen would probably warrant a phone call at least. I would hope. The NT scan results were fine and she waited to tell me those results at my last appt.

So really this is just a routine "baby looks good" exam and the "you are having a..." exam. The u/s everyone but me seems to look forward to. Naturally I am curious about why I still look the same way I did at 12weeks now at 18weeks (is the baby growing right or what). The only slightly reassuring thing is that from time to time I can feel the baby moving around in there.

Well, keep us in your thoughts today ladies. Pray it's all "perfect" just like Ray says.

The Countdown Begins

2008-08-26T10:12:00.004-04:00

Next Tuesday Ray and I will find out if little Clumpy is a baby boy or a baby girl. I am still thinking the baby is girl. Ray told me yesterday he thinks baby is a boy. But I believe he said that just to be contrary to me.

We have discussed names briefly but we are really waiting to find out what we are having before we go full force into it. Just look at names for either a boy or a girl is easier than looking at both. We both have names we like and I think we'll be okay no matter what we choose. I am not an absolute stickler for the name as long as its something we both like, even if I don't LOVE it.

Other than that not much else going on around here. The wallpaper border came in last week and Mom and Nat will help me put it up this coming weekend. Mom and I went to Boscovs on Saturday (since they are going out of business) and bought new curtains for the guest room but while we were there I managed to pick up to sage green valances for the nursery too. Now I just have to readjust the height of the curtain rod so it all looks nice. We spent 15 dollars on curtains for three rooms. Can't get a better deal than that, if you ask me.

That's life right now. Work is insane and we're still waiting to hear on the job Ray applied for and interviewed for a few weeks ago. The wheels of employment turn slowly at his job so nothing to be concerned with.

Oh and before I forgot

Congratulations to Ann on your Little One!

Whew

2008-08-19T12:03:00.003-04:00

According to my "new" pregnancy ticker I am 16w1d today. It's so odd.

We scheduled our BIG u/s for Tuesday September 2. I can't believe it's only two weeks away. I am nervous as hell. I just want Baby to be okay- have all his/her fingers, toes, kidneys etc. I don't want there to be a single problem. Of course I don't-what mother wants that?

I had a complete breakdown yesterday. I've been having them a lot it seems. This past weekend I cried for at least 30 minutes about absolutely nothing (cleaning the bathroom, something I've done in the past-not a difficult job, nothing to be stressed about so explain it to me?) But yesterday I was just feeling down and I didn't know why, it was just a whole mess of stuff.

Ray and I were nicely watching the olympics. He had put away all the food from dinner and we were just hanging out like we usually do after dinner. I was thinking about February and how overwhelming all this stuff is. I started to just feel terrible- my body is changing, I haven't really felt the baby move (and I am over 16 weeks and that scares me a little), we have our big u/s in two weeks, I get my AFP results in three weeks- I am nervous, scared and I feel- well lonely to be honest.

I have no one to talk to who doesn't think all these little fears are "so silly" (as my mom says). What is our life going to be like in February? Will I ever be able to do any of the things I used to do? Will I even be good at this? Am I willing to be less selfish? Am I willing to compromise and give things up?

I feel like I've spent so much of my life coasting on "just enough"- just enough to get by and not get fired from my job, just enough to be a decent wife (but not a great one) to Ray, just enough to be a good sister or daughter to my siblings and parents. I don't want to be "just enough" for this baby. But I don't know how to be great at anything.

And I realized then (as I do right now) that any experience I've had with children has been terrible. I never ask to play with or hold Ray's cousin's children, I hated babysitting as a teen- WHAT WAS I THINKING? We wanted this, we worked for this and now- after 16 weeks of doctor's appointments and morning sickness and general stress I am now RETHINKING this whole thing? I can't go back, I don't really want to go back but---gosh this is so tough and I didn't think I would feel so inadequate or ill-equiped to do this.

None of my real life friends (except Ann and LJ) have been pregnant- none of them. My sister hasn't, my SILs (except the one we don't talk to) haven't. I am alone and I have no one to talk to. I just want someone to tell me that I'll do just fine. That I won't fuck this kid up for life. That even though I worry that the worry is okay and that Ray will be there to help me and I won't be doing this alone.

I could use a reassuring hug every now and again. I could use a real girlfriend to spend time with me so that I don't take all these negative thoughts with me into the world.

I used to have a best friend you know...now, even though Ray and I share everything I just don't think he really understands how overwhelmed and scared I am.

And so here we are

2008-08-14T09:47:00.002-04:00

Squarely at the start of Trimester #2. So far, so good.

Yesterday was my second Ob appointment with my Doc (have I mentioned my complete LOVE of her???? I would seriously marry her if a. I were gay and b. she weren't already married and c. if I didn't already love Ray to death-but I digress) . The appointment went quite well. Blood pressure was 123/72, no protien in the urine but there may still be left over GBS (yuck), baby's heart-rate (the sound of which I ABSOLUTELY ADORE) was about 157. According to their scale I've gained 10lbs, according to mine 5- I like mine better LOL.

I did have to do the early GTT yesterday which sucked btw but wasn't nearly as awful as I heard it would be. I am just praying the results are normal so I don't have to do the three hour. The results from the NT scan were "perfect" baby is looking great. She did not give me the numbers (probably so I wouldn't stress about them, although I am sure if I asked she would have). I had the blood draw done for the AFP and my next appointment with her is on Sept 10. The big news though is that baby is measuring about 4 days ahead (which is where he/she would have been had I ovulated on CD14 like a "normal" person) so I am 15w2d today instead of 14w5d-so my due date was changed to 2/2/09- Groundhog's day and my late grandfather's birthday (I never met him).

I get to schedule our big U/S for 4 or 5 weeks from now. I can't believe how fast this is all going. It will be Feb before I know it. I feel like I'll never be prepared but I know that isn't true. Things sure are getting exciting around here. I've finally been asked about my pregnancy and it seems that my moods are getting better although I am still extremely tired in the afternoons.

Life is slowly getting back to "normal"

A Follow-up

2008-08-10T09:14:00.002-04:00

Thanks for all the support ladies. I was worried about saying something that might offend the folks that read this blog but I think you all sorta understand where I am coming from.

Meghan, I completely understand your point. I do know what it's like to hear someone complain that it took them "so long" to conceive when it really only took them a few tries. One of Ray's cousin was like that- I just had to learn to ignore it. It's hard but I couldn't let myself be angry about her inconsiderateness (is that a word??). And what she was saying was inconsiderate. But I had to chalk it up to her not completely understand "our world"- the world of infertility, the frustration that we feel daily etc etc. I just had to "let go" of it in a way. I am not saying it was easy to just ignore it (it wasn't) but I had to so that I stayed SANE.

I am not perfect about it by any stretch. I still have my moments. I'll give you an example. This past weekend we saw many of Ray's cousins at his Aunt and Uncle's home in Pittsburgh. Three of the cousins have babies, all under a year old. Not a single one of them had issues getting pregnant. The cousin who got pregnant on accident last year who is unmarried and still lives at home where her parents take care of the kid 80% of the time was there. At one point Ray's aunt picked the baby up and moved her over to the highchair and Ray's cousin (the baby's mom) said "where are you taking her?" and Ray's aunt said "to her highchair it's time for you to feed her"- She had to REMIND her to feed her own daughter. I was throughly disgusted. Here we were having tried for a year, waiting to get the chance to do what she was totally taking for granted. I had to leave the room. But the best was the complaints about L&D. At that point I told them flat out "I'm ignoring whatever it is your are saying so feel free to talk about it but I'm not listening to you." As if a little pain and discomfort of birth is anything compared to the pain and discomfort we suffered through trying to get pregnant in the first place...(I do have to say this though- the wife of the cousin we are close to and who really knew how much crap we'd been through did not participate in the L&D conversation nor did she really complain about pregnancy, child rearing or anything. Both her and her DH are extremely considerate of us).

So you see- just because I can be enlightened most of the time doesn't mean I am all the time. It's still difficult. I still feel like I want to punch some of Ray's cousins who complain but for the most part I just think of them as ignorant to fertility issues and so I can't really blame them.

It takes time, it takes lots of understanding, and for me lots of prayers. We had a great support system with our immediate families and with our close friends and that made this whole last year of trying and coming to terms with infertility easier because there were people out there who did know and who did understand (or try to understand) what was going on.

In a lot of ways my reason for the post was not to try and get IF women to see and feel the way I do but rather to consider the kind of person/people they have become through this journey...

Anyway I appreciate all the comments. I'll be back with "how is Clumpy doing" posts this week. :)

Something To Say

2008-08-06T08:17:00.002-04:00

I have a lot on my mind today but first, Megan I wanted to address your question about us finding out the sex. Yes, we are going to but I don't think we are going to tell anyone. What fun is that you ask? We want to know so that we can be prepared and, of course, only have to think of two girl names or two boy names rather than two girl names and two boy names. The other reason we aren't telling anyone is because people have the tendency to buy pink or blue when they know they sex and honestly I would rather they not do that. I prefer neutrals really- yellows, greens, light orange colors etc. Pink and Blue are so gender specific and that's not really my style I guess. :)

Second, I wanted to say a HUGE bloggy thanks to Ann for the blanket. Thanks so much Ann it was really thoughtful of you. It is our first real baby gift and it's so soft and cute Ray and I love it. I can't wait to put it into the baby's crib.

And Last, what's been on my mind...

I don't even know if I know how to start this as I don't want to offend my bloggy buddies who have been nothing but supportive of me over the last few years but I need to get something off my chest.

When Ray and I first started this journey off to babyland I was optimistic about our chances for conception. I knew I had health issues (asthma, overweight) but never did I think those health issues were affecting my fertility in an adverse way. It wasn't until I was told "lose weight" and "you have PCOS" that reality started to set in. In all the time I was dealing with hearing the diagnosis and trying to come to terms with things, Ray's cousins were getting knocked up left and right and yeah I was bitter...

Ok, let's be honest, I was extremely bitter, hateful, resentful and plain out MEAN. I attended no family functions, baby showers, birthday parties, Christenings or anything. I ranted and raved about how unfair it all was- why were we being punished. I even went so far as to say that some of them didn't deserve it or that Ray and I would make better parents because we really wanted it...

In retrospect my attitude was absolutely THE WORST and I was becoming a horrible, mean person because of it. One day I looked at myself in the mirror and realized that if I continued to put out negativity into the world that's exactly what I was going to get back. I don't think me being negative had anything to do with us not conceiving but it certainly didn't help matters much. At some point I resolved to be okay with other women and their fertility, realizing (as hard as it was) that their fertility, their parenting style, their ability to even be a good parent, was not stopping us from having a baby. I had to realize that God (or whomever) just didn't work that way.

Why am I bringing this up now...now that I am pregnant and it's completely irrelevant? It's a strange thing. I belong to a forum (I've mentioned it here before) of women who are TTC/TTA/going through IF or going through losses. Someone put together a post about Michele Duggar (the woman who has 18 children) and how "unfair" it is that she gets to pop out kid after kid while some women can even have one. It was a bitter and nasty post filled with self-congratulations about what a fantastic mother this person would be and how horrible it is that Mrs. Duggar makes her older children raise the younger ones and blah blah blah...

The post angered me. I don't know why but it did. The post was made on the Infertility and Loss section of the forum. A place I rarely, if ever, visit (for many reasons not the least of which is that I like to stay positive and reading about other people's loss makes me very sad and it makes me worry). The post was so negative I felt like someone needed to in there and say "hey listen what does it matter if she has 50 more kids, your hatred for her doesn't make you a better more loving person it makes you bitter and mean." Nothing that I wrote in that post was directed at anyone specifically. It really was just a "hey look at who you are becoming is that the kind of person you want to be?" I got a PM from someone who read my post and asked me to "reconsider" what I wrote. I opted not to.

Maybe that makes me a terrible person or whatever but I really believe that if we are going to grow from tragic experiences (and IF and loss is TRAGIC and don't let anyone tell you differently) then blaming other women's good fortune is not the way to grow. Can I be a little annoyed at the Duggars for making the older kids raise the younger ones- maybe. It isn't something I'd do but heck if I am going to let ANYONE in the universe question how I parent my kid. She's in the public eye so somehow that makes it okay...it doesn't but this is what people believe.

I need to say this people because I've been there...just because we suffered through infertility or loss (or both) does not mean we are going to automatically be better parents, better people or love our children more than those who did not struggle or did not experience loss. These people who have no trouble with conception may not have had to fight as hard but it does not mean they are any less loving, wonderful, compassionate and truly grateful people to have their children in their lives. And if I have to be totally honest with all of you- I would have gladly given up the years of infertility I experienced to already have my baby in my arms (I know most of you would agree). Just because we share this terrible journey of infertility does not give us the right to be judgmental and self-righteous. It does not make us better people if the people we have become are self-absorbed, bitter and angry towards other women!

I am sure I probably offended a bunch of people here. I am sorry for that but it seems to me that there is a sense of entitlement among infertile women, a sense of "I'm better than you are because look what I had to go through" and it saddens me that we are bringing down our sisters by using divisive and judgmental language.

I guess that's all I wanted to say...

Knocking on the Door

2008-07-29T12:37:00.002-04:00

To the next trimester that is. Today I am 12w3d! Only a few more days to go to get out of this trimester. In truth though I believe everything is fine.

Yesterday was our NT scan. It went well. Baby's measuring on time it seems (though the u/s tech did not give me a measurement) and the heartbeat was 158- this time though it sounded more like a heartbeat and less like a swishing noise. It was awesome to hear it again. The tech watched our baby for 30 minutes it was great although baby was being pain in the assy and wanted to be lazy. The only time baby moved was when I laughed, other than that it seems baby was content to just lay back and grow without too much movement. I said baby takes after Ray. LOL (he didn't find that as amusing as I did).

Anyway, u/s tech and doc say baby is looking good- the NT was 1.4 (which is apparently normal) with a normal nasal bone (also good) but I won't know the final results of the screening until they get my bloodwork complete- so a few weeks from now. Hopefully before I see the Ob in two weeks.

Mom and I went shopping over the weekend because, although 3/4 of the jeans I own are too big for me (even now) the way they are cut makes the extremely uncomfortable to wear, especially when I am sitting. So I purchased some maternity jeans (SOOO COMFY). I will probably wear them on Friday when we go to Knobel's.

That's another thing. My MIL & FIL expressed concern about me traveling with them on Friday to the park. Apprently they think I am going to be miserable due to the heat and traveling time. That on top of the fact that the following day we were supposed to go a family reunion in South West PA and then travel up to Pittsburgh after the reunion was over. My total in the car for the weekend would be somewhere in the neighborhood of 12 hours spread over 3 days. I was not the least bit concerned. I do well in the car typically, especially if I can sleep. My in-laws know nothing about my car traveling habits really...but anywho we agreed to skip the reunion and just go to Knobel's and Pittsburgh (leaving late Saturday night instead of early Saturday morning for the reunion). Honestly, I think I should be the one to assess my own issues with this pregnancy. I mean I pregnant for goodness sakes not disabled. I can make my own decisions on what is or is not good for me and baby. I just think it's a bit obsessive but I suppose I understand their concern about it.

Anyway, hopefully us saying we are skipping the reunion will be enough for them to "allow" me to go on the trip to Knobels (something I look forward to each year) if not---I guess Ray and I will both be sitting at home doing nothing.

Nuchal Scan and Crazy Dreams

2008-07-23T08:43:00.003-04:00

Anyone who knows me knows that I never can remember a single dream I've ever had. But lately (must be something about pregnancy) I've been having some interesting ones. Last nights was by far the most strange.

I dreamed that we had the baby, like yesterday (yeah 11w pregnant I know not possible) and that the baby was perfectly fine, healthy no problem. I remember being in the hospital but not the birth, like I kept saying but I don't remember giving birth to the baby, and my sister and Ray would say "we were there it happened" so I had to believe them. The thing is because the baby was so early we had nothing for her (and it was clearly a girl with black hair [fyi I have light brown hair and Ray is a red-head], blue eyes and somewhat dark skin) and my sister didn't have time to give me a baby shower. Even better is that my Doctor didn't deliver her it was the ONLY male Ob in her whole practice (which is odd since there are like 6 women and only one guy chances are I'll end up with either my Dr or one of the ladies) Isn't that the strangest thing?? I am sure it just means that I am nervous that we won't be ready when the baby comes but it seems so early to start stressing about that...

ANYWAY, on to other stuff. This coming monday is our Nuchal scan. I am not worried about it. I am sure our kiddo is fine and dandy in there. I know this is terrible but the main reason we are doing it is so that I have another picture of the baby and also because I want to see him/her again. I realize it's only been a week (plus) since we saw the baby at the Doc's appt but it's so hard not knowing what's going on in there. Hopefully everything is fine. After seeing and hearing the heartbeat last week I do feel a little bit more confident that things are going to be great and we'll be taking home our kidlet in Feb.

Well, that's all for me, for now.

Swish Swish Swish

2008-07-15T12:22:00.002-04:00

That's what the baby's heartbeat sounded like yesterday at the Doctor's appointment.

Obviously, it all went well. Ray and I got the chance to see little Clumpy all movin' and groovin' inside of me. Heartrate was around 150 and you could see little limbs and everything. The baby almost looked human- more so than the previous u/s. The best part was hearing the little heartbeat. The doctor had a bit of time locating it because the baby kept moving around-she would find it and then baby would move and she couldn't find it. But Ray and I both got to hear it and that was the absolute best part!

I also had my annual exam and learned that I have Group Strep B and was put on antibiotics. Good thing too because I noticed today that I have the beginnings of a UTI. So they caught it really early. I have to do the GTT early (around 14 weeks) since I was diagnosed PCOS w/ insulin resistance. They just want to make sure they monitor me more heavily. I appreciate that. I hope I don't end up with gestational diabetes.

I am still feeling sick every once in a while-mostly just tired in the afternoons but it is getting a little better, I guess. The doctor asked me if I was still taking the progestrone suppositories and I told her I stopped at 9 weeks, she said "good because you definitely do not need them" I was like "w00t" in the office.

I have to tell you girls how much I love this doctor. She seems more like a friend than a doctor and I think it's great! I am so happy that she may be delivering our little baby! :)

Our next group of stuff is the Nuchal scan and AFP bloodwork which I have to call Sinai about. Then our next appointment with the Ob is in 4 weeks.

I am noticing my clothing getting tigher (in otherwords they fit now) but no one else can tell but me (good thing). I imagine in about 3 or 4 weeks it will be more obvious but I am not in any rush to let people know what's going on unless they ask directly.

Ok that's all from here. Figured I owed you folks and update!

Yawn

2008-07-09T08:59:00.002-04:00

What can I say? Nothing, and I do mean nothing, has been going on with me lately. Just the usual tiredness, nausea, sore tatas. What else can I say it's hard waiting for stuff to happen.

I am slowly noticing a change in the way my clothes are fitting. Because I should have gone down to a 12 right at the time I found out I was pregnant all my size 14 are still 'big' just not as big as before. I no longer need to wear a belt with them in other words. I am filling them out. According to my scale I have gained about 2 to 3 lbs-which isn't bad actually. I am trying to keep it less than 170 until the next trimester (right now I am about 167) when I am sure I will gain a whole lot. I really want to keep the weight gain around 25 lbs. It will make it so much easier to lose after our Clumpy is here.

In the mean time I've just been trying to remain positive since the waiting is so hard. We have 5 more days until my first real Ob appointment and then we'll have to schedule the 11w downs scan. I am nervous about that scan, not because I am worried that Clumpy is going to be downs positive but because we haven't seen her/him for a while and I have no idea what's going on in there. I just hope her/his little heart is still beating away in there and all the limbs and brain and all the body parts are growing how they should.

I haven't had any cramping or bleeding incidences and so far I still feel decidely pregnant so---I think we are okay but it's hard not to be nervous about this kind of stuff. I am excited to see my Doctor though and see what she has to say.

That's it from here. I am trying to keep my breakfast down while simultaneous reviewing advertising (oh the fun of it).

A Prayer to St. Gerard

2008-06-25T10:56:00.002-04:00

It the past few months my Church going has waned considerably. Actually in the last year we've been really bad about attending Mass. Something always seems to "come up" which is really bad, I know. I always felt happiest at Church though- it gave me a sense of peace maybe. I just knew that God would provide for us there and in the rest of our lives just by taking 1 hour out of each week to give thanks to Him.

Of course, I still feel He provides for us just we spend less time thanking Him than we used to. Not such a great thing.

I don't consider myself a religious zealot or even anything close to that. I barely consider myself religious at all. I grew up in a pretty normal home- we attended Mass every Sunday of course, I was in CCD and did all that stuff but my parents weren't "involved" in the Church and I didn't go to Catholic school or anything. I would say, by and large, we were your typical Catholic family.

In CCD you learn your Sacraments- what they mean, why you do them. You learn about Jesus and Mary etc etc. Same things you would learn in most Christian religious instruction, I would think. The difference is of course the learning about the Saints of the Catholic church. Ann mentioned St. Anthony in one of her most recent blog posts. St Anthony and I have a LONG history. He's helped me find everything from a lost pen to patience. If I could get Ray to agree to it we'd probably name our first son Anthony. LOL

Catholics have Saints for everything- St Jude for hope, St. Lucy for eyes etc. Someone recently mentioned St. Gerard to me. Apparently he's the Patron Saint of Motherhood/the Unborn. I did some research and found a prayer to recite to him. Each morning when I wake up and each night before going to bed I say a prayer to God (of course), Mary and St. Gerard to protect our baby and the give hope and strength to those women who are suffering infertility or difficult pregnancies. I figure a prayer like that couldn't hurt matters any and it brings me hope, I guess.

The basic prayer to St. Gerard is to request his intercession before God and Mary. I rarely say the one I am going to post, my prayers are usually more free-form. :)

Here is a prayer to St. Gerard to all you soon-to-be mothers/want-to-be mothers out there

O Great Saint Gerard, beloved servant of Jesus Christ, perfect imitator of your meek and humble Savior, and devoted Child of the Mother of God: enkindle within my heart one spark of that heavenly fire of charity which glowed in your heart and made you an angel of love. O glorious Saint Gerard, because when falsely accused of crime, you did bear, like your Divine master, without murmur or complaint, the calumnies of wicked men, you have been raised up by God as the Patron and Protector of expectant mothers. Preserve me from danger and from the excessive pains accompanying childbirth, and shield the child which I now carry, that it may see the light of day and receive the lustral waters of baptism through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Long Awaited-Perhaps?

2008-06-19T12:45:00.003-04:00

So I really meant to post this whole thing yesterday but as usual I made dinner and fell asleep when I got home. I was lucky I made it to 9pm. The way I've been feeling lately I'm lucky I make it through work.

The u/s went fantastic (I promise a pic as soon as I figure out how to get it here so that you all can see it). Our Clumpy is measuring right on target (6.5mm which makes us 6w4d +/- 2d) with a nice strong heartbeat! We were sooooo happy to see that.

I have officially been released from the RE's care back to my Ob/Gyn whom I need to call. I am just giving the REs office a few days to transfer my medical records back to my Ob's office. I'll call Monday to set up my appointment.

So things are looking great for me, Ray and Clumpy (maybe Thumpy-eh Mel?) and every day I fall more in love with our little bean. Of course I am suffering from m/s and I am tired nearly all the time but I don't think anything in the world could make me happier than being sick for our little one. :)

that's about it. As soon as I get the pic together I'll be sure and post it up.

Status Quo

2008-06-17T07:23:00.003-04:00

All is quiet on the home front now. No more spotting and I am not even the slightest bit concerned about it. I put the suppository in last night and everything was fine this morning. I probably just nicked myself when I put it in two nights ago. Everything seems to be fine and the m/s is definitely still around (fun!)

We get to see Clumpy tomorrow and I am so excited. It's going to be too early for a heartbeat but we should see a lot more this time than last time. I am sure it will all be good news for us (well I am hoping it will be at least). I am feeling much more positive lately, trying to remain calm. That's sometimes hard for a person like me.

Either way though I am trying to look towards to brighter parts of this process and not let things freak me out so much. I am not sure how well that will go.

Ray took a half day yesterday to be with me. I mostly just sat on the couch and talked with my mom on the phone. I think she was concerned but not enough to freak out. She never was that kind of mother though. She just told me I'd be fine, not to worry and to do what the nurse asked me to do. She told me I should call Ray's mom to stay with me yesterday but I told her I didn't want to mainly because I didn't want to upset her (obviously I did not have the same issues with my mother). In fact I didn't talk with anyone in Ray's family about yesterday because it isn't something I need to concern them with unless it gets worse or there is a problem. No use making everyone upset, right?

I am predicting a better day today...

Prepare for the Freak Out

2008-06-16T08:15:00.003-04:00

I woke up this morning around 3:30am to pee. This is not unusual lately for me, I also needed to eat something or I knew I'd wake up at 6:30 needing to throw up, since that's how it goes for me. I finish my business in the bathroom and like always I check the TP. It's pinkish...I freak out.

I go back to bed, sorta. Ray wakes up and asks me if everything is okay and I started to cry. I told him about the spotting. He said "that's bad, right?" and i told him I didn't know. It's certainly not normal by any stretch of the imagination but it's not necessarily a bad thing. I thought maybe it was a one time thing. I woke up at 6:30 (normal time) feeling sick (because I hadn't gotten my late night snack because of the freak out I had) and peed again- no spotting but then there it was on my second wipe. It was more brown than pink, no blobs or globs (sorry about the TMI folks) and it was very little. I am not cramping, I feel okay (except for sore boobies and nipples and extreme tiredness). I called the doctor's office just to see if maybe they wanted me to come in.

The nurse was exceedingly nice and said "you are on progesterone suppositories which can sometimes irritate the cervix when taken for long periods of time. If it turns bright red or it's more than just spotting call us back immediately and we can have you come in for an u/s." My next u/s is Wednesday and up until this morning I was feeling really good about it. I was excited to see our little Clumpy again (even if it is going to be too early to see her little heartbeat) and I guess I still am excited but now I am back to being a bit more nervous and cautious about this whole thing.

I decided to take the day off today because if the cervix is irritated I don't want to be walking around, getting up and down and filing stuff away. I'd rather be on the couch watching Yentl and eating french toast. Ray had to go in to work today but said he was going to leave early to stay with me this afternoon. I wish he had stayed home the entire day, it would be better for me. But he has commitments for work which clearly outweigh his commitments to me (I'm not bitter about this at all, can you tell???) And maybe asking him to stay was irrational of me but damn it, I get to be irrational from time to time.

Now I am constantly on "spot-check" patrol and every time I feel anything "down there" I am in the bathroom with TP in hand checking it out. I am miserable.

I suppose I should just let things be the way they are going to be and not worry so much. I do wish the nurse had checked my last beta level to let me know what was going on. My guess is if she saw something in the chart that alarmed her when I called this morning she would have said something. Right?

Anyway, i am exactly 6w today- only 6 more to go before I freak out just a little less...

A Better Day All Around

2008-06-12T12:47:00.002-04:00

Except for the m/s which has shown up unfortunately. Minor but definitely there. I spent 1/2 my morning at work in the bathroom waiting to barf. Thankfully, it didn't happen or I'd have a lot of 'splainin to do. I grabbed some sour candy and some water and felt much better. I even managed to have lunch and I already feel 100% better.

Of course I still have the nausea inducing pre-natals to take. Bleh I dislike them with a passion. I forgot to take one yesterday (dang it between everything else). Overall though I am feeling pretty okay. Still tired as all get out though. I could easily nap the entire day.

I am feeling much better about yeterday's ultrasound. After chatting with some of the ladies over at the Ovusoft forums many of them told me that if there was really a problem the pregnancy would have measured way behind (by like a week or more). My doctor seemed to think mine was right on track, so that was very reassuring. I have a lot of faith that next week my Clumpy will have grown and there will be enough to see what we need to see. If not we'll wait until at least 8 or 9 weeks before we call this one done-I heard a lot of misdiagnosed blighted ovum stories and I won't let my baby be a statistic unless it really looks bad next week. But it won't- all is going to be fine.

I am at peace right now with the way things are. Trying to enjoy my time being pregnant-even with minor m/s, slight cramping and extreme tiredness...I will be excited to see next weeks u/s.

U/S

2008-06-11T12:56:00.003-04:00

So I should be feeling better but I'm not...

According to the doctor today I am 5w2d-which by my calculation is pretty accurate. I got intimate with the dildo cam again. There was a gestational sac and a yoke sac but no fetal pole. Doctor did not seem concerned considering how early it is. Needless to say I would have felt better if there was something more there. Doctor seems to think it's still a bit too small to see (around 1mm or 2mm) and that it was hiding at the top of the yoke sac close to the gestational sac making it harder to see.

Of course as a precaution before they offically diagnose this as a blighted ovum or some other such thing I have to go back in next Wednesday for a 6w2d u/s with the high hopes that there is a fetal pole and perhaps even a heartbeat (oh Lord please let there be SOMETHING). They took more blood from me to test my current hCG levels. I wasn't told to call in so I am not sure I should. I assume if the news was that the levels aren't rising or if they are going down that I would get a phone call ASAP. Hard to know what to do here.

Ray told me his gut feeling is that everything is fine and that my needless worrying will not help matters in the least. I told him I knew that my worrying was illogical and ridiculous but that admiting that to myself did not make the fear go away. He said it's a long 7 days and we have to try and enjoy knowing that so far the doctor seems pleased with Clumpy's progress...

So for now I will try and enjoy being pregnant for as long as that will last (which hopefully will be another 9 months) and of course I will continue to hope and pray that this pregnancy is just fine and everything is moving along in the right direction.

And if it isn't-we'll take some time off-start again from the beginning and keep faith.

Fear

2008-06-09T12:26:00.003-04:00

I've heard it said that sometimes fear can be good for a person.

I don't think I am one of those people. I hate being afraid.

My biggest fear right now, and probably will be until we have this u/s on Wednesday and then another one to see the HB, is that there is no baby. It's the thought that keeps me from sleeping, is the fear that keeps me from thinking about anything else.

I cried last night for probably 45 minutes. Ray was a champ though and told me no matter what we'd be okay. I know he'll be okay. I just don't know if I will be.

Through the last year of trying and treatment it feels like it's taken us so long to get to this point that God could not possibly be cruel enough to take it all away. I don't believe that God is cruel in anyway anyhow though. I know He has a plan for all of us, even if we don't quite understand it. I know a lot of people don't believe that life is faited a certian way but if I don't believe that and things are bad (and we hope they are not) then that means I have to accept that maybe things don't happen for a reason. Sometimes things just happen.

All I want to do is be in bed right now. I want to rest my head on my pillow and forget about my fear. But it's with me even in sleep. I can't just ignore what I am feeling. It's so hard to enjoy this pregnancy when I am so worried all the time.

I talked with my mom this morning. She said the more I worry the more likely I will make myself sick. She told me to calm down because everything is probably fine and if it isn't that's okay too because now at least we know I can get pregnant. She said if there is an issue that she believes Ray and I will be okay and we'll work towards the next time. I told her that it's hard to think about saying good-bye. Then she said "you won't have to because everything is ok and it will be ok."

But the truth is I won't know if it's all okay until Wednesday at 10am. Until then I'll just keep hoping and praying. Any good thoughts you all can spare would be greatly appreciated.

Holy Tiredness Batman

2008-06-05T12:52:00.003-04:00

Gosh I'm tired. And to any of you who say "oh you have no idea just wait until that kid is born" I say to you "BAH!" and "Leave me alone" I'll bitch if I want to this is my blog...

I've been having waves of tiredness for the last few days but today I am outright exhausted. I have hardly felt a cramp today but I feel uncomfortable overall. Like my tummy is spasming- it doesn't hurt it just feels uncomfortable. That on top of being hungry but not wanting to eat...it's strange.

The boobies are the most sore today than they have ever been. I honestly just want to crawl back into my bed. I hope this means Clumpy is okay.

I am still nervous about our u/s next week. I am praying that everything is fine and that she's measuring the way she's supposed to. It's my RE doing the u/s. The last time I saw her was for a follie check at CD 15 where my follie hadn't grown at all...I hope that's not a bad sign. I really want everything with this pregnancy to be uneventful.

I talked a little with my mother yesterday. I asked if anyone had a history of miscarriage in the family. She said no one but my grandmother (her mom) did have a baby stillborn because of a tipped uterus. It wasn't something they knew before she delievered him. But that was the only problem she ever had.

In addition she said I should be happy that I am not in a lot of pain or that I am feeling sick. She said she felt happy, perfect and fine throughout all her pregnancies and that most likely I'll experience the same thing. But symptoms are reassuring to me...is it odd that i just more of them?

With relation to the uterus stuff, my HSG showed I have an arcuate uterus. Basically my uterus is in the shape of an arrow. The RE said it's nothing to be concerned about and that mine is not very prevelent. It doesn't matter. No matter how many people tell you everything is going to be fine you don't believe it until you see that baby on the u/s.

It's so hard waiting. I know that whatever will be will be and that stressing out about it won't change anything but it's hard not to.

Update**Beta #s

2008-06-04T13:17:00.003-04:00

So I got my 2nd beta back and it looks okay. It didn't quite double but very close (less than 100 off from doubling completly) the beta level is 2793, I wish it was higher. I was honestly hoping it be closer to 3000. My progesterone level dropped a bit also to 36.8 (3.2 less than Monday's test). I have an ob u/s next Wednesday to see if there is a sack and all the related stuff. I don't think there will be a heartbeat until a few weeks after that so...I am not getting to worked up over anything at this point.

Anyone have any experience with betas and progeterone levels. Should I be worried that my level didn't exactly double (we went in about 20 minutes earlier this time than last time, does that make a difference) and that my progesterone level went down 3.2 from Monday?

2nd Beta

2008-06-04T09:01:00.003-04:00

So I won't have the results of my second beta until around 1pm today. As soon as I have them I will update with the results.

To answer a few questions. I am 4w4d today (according to my chart). Obviously an u/s will have to confirm the date when (fingres crossed) we get to that point.

How did I tell Ray? Well let me give some background on that. As most have read, on 6dpo I had to go into the RE's office for a progesterone test. The progesterone had to be over 15 in order for them not to prescribe suppositories. My level came back at 15.9 so as a precaution they started me on the suppositories. The nurse warned me that the progestrone might delay my period or make me have symptoms of pregnancy even if I wasn't pregnant and that I should test on June 1.

On about 11DPO I started to have mild cramps and some breast achiness- typical of an AF visit and I thought "ok we'll just prep ourselves for the next clomid/hCG trigger cycle" and I told Ray that I thought I'd get my period this cycle. He said "so we'll get it on the next one" and I was okay with it. We have been busy with the house anyway and I was concerned that our timing was mess up for this cycle. I was ready to get pregnant next cycle.

On 14DPO (May 31) when I didn't get my period (my typical LP is 13 days) I didn't think anything of it because I was taking the progesterone and I figured that's why it was a bit delayed also no spotting, again I attributed this to progesterone. But the cramps were quite painful. I usually get cramps before AF but these were more painful than any I'd experienced in the last few ovulatory cycles. I just thought that the progesterone was making them worse. That night (May 31) I was talking with my SIL and I was mentioning that the nurse suggested I test June 1 but I didn't know why I was bothering since I was like 99.9% sure I wasn't pregnant. I even went so far as to suggest I was going to stop taking my progesterone suppositories due to how much they sucked (good thing I didn't do that). All this time though my temps stayed around 98.3 which is really high for me (most of my post ovulatory temps never get above 97.7 there are always a few that hit 98) but again didn't think anything of it, at all.

On Sunday morning (June 1) I woke up and decided to "waste" my 5 bucks and take the test just to get it over with. I wouldn't have tested at all until I was done with the progesterone suppositories but since the nurse said I should, I did. When the urine passed over the test point it came up positive immediately. Shocked would not have been the word- awed, dismayed, completely stunned would explain it better.

I left the bathroom, Ray was still sleeping, and I screamed (running up the stairs) "WAKE UP" and he (in his half asleep voice) said "what, what's wrong?" and I said "nothings wrong" and showed him the test and we hugged for a good minute and then I said "should we wait to tell everyone?" and he said "maybe" and I said "I have to tell my mom and sister" and so we told the immediate family and our good friends and obviously I have told the blogging world. But our co-workers/bosses don't know and our extended families are oblivious at least until we are well into the second trimester.

And so now waits for the next beta which we hope is good. We are already attached to "clumpy" (Ann, I thought about you when we thinking of a nickname for the "baby") and hope that she'll be fine and that this whole pregnancy will be completely uneventful in every way.

Betas/Progesterone & My Nerves

2008-06-03T08:35:00.002-04:00

So my beta was 1439 and the progesterone was over 40 which the nurse said is perfect. I am happy to hear that.

I am nervous though, I go for my repeat beta tomorrow (the RE's office likes to keep a close eye on early pregnancy) and I hope everything is okay. I've been feeling pretty good lately. No morning sickness, just some cramps every now and again and my boobies are a bit heavy and painful but nothing like the way some people describe it.

Should I be concerned? I would think I would at least feel somewhat different. I just feel like I do right before AF shows up. I mean I know I am pregnant and my betas and progesterone look good but with few symptoms I am nervous.

My mom told me she didn't have any for her first three months of pregnancy and didn't know she was pregnant with my sister and me until she was almost 12 weeks (she told me after she had my brother she only had one post partum AF visit and then not again for another 9 months LOL). I have no idea what to think...

I am just hoping my numbers are really good tomorrow.

In the mean time I continue with the hideous suppositories.

An the answer is...

2008-06-01T15:08:00.003-04:00

So, yeah that about says it all. Thanks for all the support ladies.

I'll update tomorrow with my beta numbers. ;)

13DPO- and waiting

2008-05-30T08:25:00.003-04:00

So after receiving the shock that I ovulated spontaneously the nurse told me to come in on 6/7DPO to have a progestrone test. The RE had told me that I needed a level above 15 in order to avoid vaginal suppositories. My level was 15.9. They are making me take them but for what?

I am not pregnant.

Not that i know for sure since I haven't tested but I am 99.99999999999% sure I am not. AF cramps have been here for the last two days a sure sign she's on her way. I can't even be disappointed about this because I knew our timing sucked especially with Ray's issues.

We agreed to do one more natural cycle (mainly because Ray wants to) and then start IUI. I have faith that the IUIs will work because I really believe that it's mostly Ray's issue at this point. We know I can be stimulated on 50mg of clomid, I am sure the 100mg will be even better. Now if only my insurance company were such jerks about everyhing.

That is a post for another time.

Anyway, so here I wait. It may be that AF is delayed due to the progesterone but she will be here and then it's another call to the RE's office to start the next cycle of pills, monitoring and shots. So fun! :/

Spontaneous Ovulation

2008-05-19T08:19:00.006-04:00

So to let everyone know what happened at my appointment. I was supposed to go in for a PCT, u/s and a trigger shot on Sunday at 10:30am. The nurse on Friday told us to have sex in the early morning or late Saturday night. Ray and I went to see Prince Caspian on Saturday and got back later than I thought and just fell right asleep, after spending the previous few days on the house we were both beat. So we decided to have sex on Sunday morning about 2/ 2.5 hours before the appointment. I figured that was okay.

At the appointment, the RE does the PCT and then goes to do the u/s and tells me "well it looks like you ovulated yesterday (Saturday) so no need for the trigger" I was like "oh no" and she said that she thought that the timing was good but I think because she thought we had sex on Friday night, not on Saturday morning. We also had sex on Thursday night so we are sorta covered, I guess. The timing is not wonderful but it's not terrible either. Needless to say I wish we had gotten in another time between Thursday and Sunday early morning. I am just stunned though how did my follie go from 17mm to 22mm in 2 days?I just knew this was going to happen.

Normally I would be thrilled about it but considering that we didn't have sex on Saturday night I think we missed our timing again . I am supposed to go for a progesterone test on Friday. She said the level needs to be 15 or better...at least I don't have to keep taking HPTs to see if the trigger is out right??I have to say though overall I am disappointed. The whole point of the monitored cycle was so that we didn't mess up the timing and we did it anyway because my body wants to do what it wants, like before only now it's doing the right thing just at the wrong time. FIGURES! So I guess I am in the 2ww although I am expecting nothing but a visit from deary AF at the end of it.

We'll see what the progesterone levels yield. I'll make my decision to take an HPT on that.

Does A Happy Dance

2008-05-16T08:43:00.003-04:00

So apparently I am just a slow responder for the clomid. My follicle check went much better today. That little immature 10mm follicle grew to a nice 17mm one! I have one more u/s on Sunday (along with a PCT) and we'll also trigger!

I am excited and nervous. I hope it works, I really do. I know we have some sperm issues so that concerns me but, I have a lot of hope and faith right now. I am feeling positive. I will remain that way until AF shows up but I am not thinking she will.

This will probably be the hardest 2WW of my life. Because I know we are going to time everything really really well and that's a good thing. Because all the other times I had no idea what was going on. Now I have proof and control of what's going on. It's a little scary. But you know what would be totally awesome? Getting pregnant and having the house all done.

Life is getting pretty exciting!

So tell me again why I was hopeful?

2008-05-13T08:37:00.003-04:00

The second follicle check did not go well. The one and only follicle that had good size to it stopped growing. RE said we'll do another U/S on Friday but that after that we won't. I'll get to go another two weeks unmonitored and if I don't start my period by then it's on to yet another round of provera. I think I still have my other prescription some place.

Words cannot describe the immense disappointment I feel. Ray was in the room with me this time. I don't think he knew what was going on because he didn't say anything to me after. He was ticked because I lost his keys-nice reaction. Here I am miserable and all he can do is be pissy about his keys, which are in the house we just didn't have time to look for them.

The RE said that it's possible the 50mg dose of clomid is too low and that I need a higher dose. That's fine the clomid 'script is a lot less expensive than the ovidrel. So if this cycle doesn't work out for triggering at least I won't have to get another ovidrel shot.

I am reading a lot about PCOS and clomid though and what a lot of REs do is supplement the clomid with an injectable every other day in order to stimulate the ovaries. I'd hate to tell an RE how to do her job but I am wondering if she is ignoring my PCOS and just treating me as if I have unexplained infertility. I don't know. I am just so miserable today...

I guess I'll keep my hope up by hoping that they will grow more in the next three days! *sigh*

Check, Check 1 2 3

2008-05-12T10:10:00.003-04:00

So I had the follie check on Saturday. It was okay. I expected to see my RE but I got another Dr from the practice- a guy. Never had a guy lookin' down there before. No biggy, just unexpected.

RE said that I have several potential follies (YIPPY)on the right side, and a couple on the left, the biggest being 10mm-small but growing. It needs to be at least 18-20mm before they'll let me get my shot. I am supposed to go again tomorrow morning to see if it's grown. I am hoping it will be a little overachiver and have grown to at least 16mm- I suspect I'll be lucky if it reach 14mm or that it's grown at all.

I have no idea of 10mm is good after three days being off clomid or if that's on the small side. I would think it's okay and that as long as it keeps growing I should trigger on Thursday or Friday which means I'll probably ovulate on CD19 which is much better than I was doing on my own. I do wish I had a few 12mm ones in there on Saturday but I'll take the 10mm and keep praying it grows up good and strong! Hey it could be our potential kid I am cultivating in there! :)

All in all my mood has been good, hopeful even. With everything else going on I'm amazed about how calm I am about this whole thing right now.

Yesterday we went to lunch with my mom, brother and his girlfriend. It was nice. We went back to my mom's apartment for a little bit and my brother's girlfriend was asking me how I knew that there were issues. I told her the whole story, then she asked how long we'd been trying and I told her about a year. I think she was kind of shocked to here that. I think my brother was too honestly. But most people don't go off and tell other people they are TTC (like what is it any of their business anyways) so the only time people know they are is when there are problems and it interrupts plans that you have. I suppose I could have been more secretive about the whole thing but the way I figure it is that if people keep thinking good thoughts about us and about us getting pg then maybe all that good thinking and praying and hoping will work more than if it were just me and Ray hoping, and thinking and praying. I don't know.

Anyway, good thoughts for a nice big follie tomorrow!

CD3 Blood Work, Prescriptions and Shots

2008-05-01T10:54:00.002-04:00

Oh now the fun REALLY begins.

I got my prescription for Clomid today as well as for Ovidrel. I called up our prescription benefits folks to find out how much for the Ovidrel and she said she didn't know, they had to run all kinds of information before they could give me a price. Okay fine. I asked if it was better if I took the 'script to the pharmacy and she said that it needs to be ordered over the phone. Good thing I called then.

I just hope I hear back from them today because I need it in 9 days to trigger. All my plans got messed up for next weekend because of when good old AF showed up. Couldn't she have been just ONE DAY earlier?? I am supposed to be in NY next weekend for my Grandmother's 80th birthday but now if my body cooperates (oh Lord please let it cooperate) we'll trigger on Saturday and do a post-coital test on Sunday. I don't see the need for the post-coital- I may have some CF issues but I don't think a post-coital will tell them anything. Perhaps I can talk with the Doc about skipping that so that we can actually go to NY on Saturday and see my grandmother and then spend Mother's day with my mom. If this cycle doesn't work out with me getting pregnant there is always next cycle for the post-coital.

My mom was really sweet though. She said "well if you come in on Saturday night where are you staying" and I said "yeah well that's the other reason we kinda didn't want to come up" and she said "oh, right because you'll want to be alone" and I said "that would be nice" and she said "well I can book you a nice hotel room near the airport, you and Ray can be alone all night on Saturday and on Sunday morning" and I was like "you are cute, but that works for us." I feel kinda weird that my whole family (and his too) know our sex habits now. They know when AF is in town- they know everything! I am so whatever about it though because I've been poked, proded and stuck so many times it's hard to keep a secret from people. Even from my mom, dad and sister who live far away. But it is odd, everyone knowing when Ray and I are having sex. LOL

So now we wait until Saturday so I can start the clomid. I can't say I am really looking forward to it as I heard the side effects are pretty nasty. I would like to find a way to increase my CF since I hear that's one of the big side effects of taking it. I'll talk to the girls on my IF forum.

We wait for the fun to begin. Pray I get some nice follies and that our insurance will cover (and be able to send on time) the Ovidrel shot!

Do You Ever Just Wonder

2008-04-30T15:09:00.005-04:00

Do you ever wonder if when people say "I'm sorry it's not working out for you" that they really mean "I'm glad it's not working out for you because I am having a hard time and if I'm not happy I don't want anyone to be happy?"

I am not saying anyone who reads this blog feels that way about me. But a girl in one of my buddy groups on an infertility forum I post on was saying that a girl friend of hers just found out she's pregnant after 3 years with IVF. She said she was happy for them but not for another friend who had only been trying for 1 month. She said she was upset with the couple who was only trying for one month because it was so easy for them.

Sometimes I catch myself feeling that way too. Like, it isn't fair when it happens so easily. Or when I hear about yet another 15 year old who got herself "accidentially" knocked up. All of Ray's cousins (or wives) got pregnant on the first try, or when they weren't trying and I find myself resenting them, avoiding baby showers and pictures.

I don't want to be like that. I want to be happy for a person just because they are choosing to bring a child into the world. I want to be thrilled that they did that and be happy for them. But all I ever think is "why not me?"

And then there is the other thing I think about and that's the people who are having trouble, or who have had trouble. I think maybe they aren't as supportive of other infertile couples as they seem to be. Like we are all supposed to be thrilled when one of "us" gets pregnant but what if someone has been experiencing IF for 2 years and other 1 year and the one who was experiencing IF less time gets pregnant first...there has to be a lot of anger with the person who's been trying for two years...you know?

Or those girls that already had a baby and are experiecing so-called "secondary infertility"- sometimes I get so upset and think "but they already have ONE, I don't even have that." Or the even rarer breed of women who get pregnant after infertility and then don't want anyone else to be pregnant, whether infertile or not because it was so hard for them.

I just want to be okay with the way things are going for us now. I don't want to be "upset" that someone had an easy go of it. It's nice that there are people in the world who don't have to worry about this kind of stuff. If a girl friend of mine gets pregnant, whether trying or not, whether experiencing issues or not I am going to resolve, right here and now, to be happy for them. I won't allow my pain to create uncomfortable relationship with people.

I know I am better than that.

On to something else. We got Ray's SA results back from the RE. Pre-wash was okay about 15m (should be closer to 20m), 34% motile (should be closer to 50%), 47% normal forms (WHO 4th says at least 14% so we are really good there), 5.2ml (anything about 2.5 is awesome). Post-wash the motility went up to 45% and the count went to 7m which is actually really good the lab tech said. So if we want to do IUI we can, don't have to go straight into IVF (thank goodness). But I think we decided on an au naturale cycle this month and next month. We'll discuss IUI come July.

I have my fingers crossed that my CD12 u/s will show at least two nice follies for me to ovulate. I don't want to have to max out on clomid and because I am ovulating again on my own I don't think we'll need to go past 100 (at least I hope not). I have hope this cycle.

Tomorrow is my CD3 bloodwork and I get to pick up my 'script for the clomid and start taking it on Friday!

I think we all know how this ends

2008-04-27T19:30:00.002-04:00

I started spotting...

cramps and spotting- AF will be here tomorrow.

Needless to say Ray had to get me to stop crying. And while i knew this was the way it was going to end I am still so hurt.

I guess we have to just suck it up and move on to the stupid IF treatments, that I REALLY REALLY didn't want to have to do. Blood tests and medication and all kinds of stuff that takes the enjoyment and fun out of TTC.

Ray is so supportive, he's convinced that we'll get pregnant this month once I start taking the clomid and they can tell me exactly when I'll ovulate. But even with all that I just don't think I'll ever get pregnant. I just don't think my body wants to. maybe I don't want to. I don't know.

I am going to do my best to pull it together tonight so I can go to work and be okay tomorrow. We have so much stuff to do right now that I can't let this affect me the way it is.

Thanks for the support though and all the good luck and wishes. I'll be back once we get this cycle started on clomid and I have something to blog about.

So A Funny Thing

2008-04-25T09:56:00.003-04:00

AF isn't here. Not even spotting. My temps went up this morning?? I think my chart is wrong.

I'm a skeptic I guess. I won't test! I can't bare to see the negative result even with decent temps. I'll wait until Monday unless AF shows by then (and she will).

I can make it through the weekend (I think) besides I only have one test at home and I don't want to waste it on this cycle when I feel we had no chance. Our timing was great if I ovulated 14 days ago, it was okay if I ovulated 12, not so great at 11 days or less.

Only time will tell I guess. Wait wait wait. That's the fun part. Still having cramps and craving sweets (not like me at all) but I am still sure she'll show tomorrow or sunday at the latest!

Well Okay then

2008-04-23T11:19:00.003-04:00

Who's been waiting for an update??

So, I wish I could say that interesting things are happening. Truth is, nothing is happening. I am 12DPO today. Tomorrow should be the last day of my typical LP (that's Luteal Phase, Mel) and I should have dear old AF on Friday.

I am 99.99% sure that AF will show on Friday because I've been experiencing acne, chocolate cravings and terrible headaches. All 100% sure signs of impending AF. I am okay with it. I just want to move onto our medicated IUI cycles already. I want to stop playing this "did we time it right" game and I want to be sure that a doctor is monitoring what we are doing. As odd as that seems. At least I know I'll actually have a chance if a doctor is doing SOMETHING for us.

In the meantime we wait for my period to come. Ray's next SA is Monday the 28th and there is a good chance I'll have my CD3 blood work on the same day- so that worked out. I'll pick up my clomid prescription on the same day as the bloodwork and then wait for CD5 to start taking it. CD10 through mature follies (whatever day that happens to be) we'll be in for AM ultrasounds and then probably an hCG trigger followed by IUI (if we choose it). Should be Fun?

That's all from here. I'll post again on Friday to let you know how bad AF is being to me. Hopefully she'll be nice :).

Miracles Can Happen

2008-04-16T16:51:00.003-04:00

No I'm not pregnant...wish I was though

Rather the miracle is that I did actually ovulate this cycle according to my progesterone test. I wonder if we caught the eggie. Ray and I slacked off majorly in the sex department because I was sure this cycle was annovulatory. We did have sex though so maybe it's close enough. I am not banking on it.

The appointment with the RE went very well. If I hadn't ovulated I would be starting on provera today and in 7 days I'd have my period but because I did ovulate I have to wait it out-probably about 8 or 9 days from now- a couple of days doesn't make a difference in my book. Then I get to have the CD3 blood work done (again) and then clomid from CD5-9 which will be monitored (which I am so excited about). Then I think we are doing an hCG trigger plus IUI unless we opt not to. I think the first few cycles we'll try and do it au naturale and see how it goes. If I am ovulating on time I think that's most of this battle. If after a few cycles we see nothing we'll move to the IUI.

All in all good news. Ray has to have another SA done just to rule out baterial issues and we'll get him started on some vitamins and see if that makes a difference.

That's all from here. I'll be around posting again soon.

An Update, I guess

2008-04-14T09:51:00.004-04:00

for the three of you that might still be reading.

The RE rescheduled my appointment for this Wednesday so I am just waiting on that to happen. I am nevous and excited. Maybe we'll get pregnant soon without so much stuff... I can hope right.

In the meantime I have no idea what is up with this cycle. I am tempted to stop temping because it's so freakin' confusing. I got a + OPK almost two weeks ago and I took another one the other day (it was 9 or 10DPO if I go by the first positive) because my temps are strange and I didn't think I had really ovulated when I got the first positive and this was positive too. What does that mean?? Probably that my body hates me.

Anyway, I am supposed to take an pregnancy test on Wednesday just because I want to let the RE know where I am in my cycle (where am I????) I am not expecting a result other than BFN but that's okay perhaps now we can figure out what's going on with me. If I haven't said it before PCOS sucks!

So, once again it's hurry up and wait for things to happen. I need to call up the insurance folks and find out exactly what our IF benefits are. Either that or I need Ray to look them up for me.

Two days left until I found out what the story is.

The Good News, The Bad News

2008-04-01T09:55:00.003-04:00

The good news is that Ray's last SA was good. The count is still a little below average but nothing to worry about, at least according to the Uro. Since everything seems to be okay he no longer has to see the Uro (which made Ray happy). Unfortunately I think he will have to do one more SA when we get to the RE on Tuesday. He'll have to abstain again but I want to talk to the RE's office before I make Ray do that.

The Bad News is that I still haven't ovualted yet this cycle. Today is CD 24 the OPKs are definitely negative and my CF is still creamy, though I did have some light pink spotting with some EWCF last night (and cramps). So unless I ovulate in the next two days I am in for some provera. Yippy :(. That's the second cycle in a row that was ended by provera. I thought all this weight loss was supposed to help me!

Speaking of weight loss-it seems more like weight stall. I have to weigh in tonight even though I'll probably post a gain (it could even be close to 4 lbs which totally bites btw). But I already started back tracking and eating better so I am sure I'll lose all that weight plus some. At least I hope I will. I am hoping that April isn't too rainy so I can get on my bike again.

On a side note I saw my MIL this weekend and she was filling me in on the baby shower for one of Ray's cousin's-in-law (his cousin [Luke]'s wife, her name is Jen). We opted not to go for a few reasons. First my sister was in town and I wasn't going to a shower while my sister was in town. Second, I can't handle baby showers right now. I don't do showers to begin with (I was forced into my own bridal shower and I know if I ever get pregnant I'll be forced into a baby shower too) but a baby shower for someone else is just too much, especially for a girl who insisted she didn't want baby "right now" but covertly was taking OPKs and timing intercourse. Bah, I dislike dishonesty.

That reminds me of the conversation I had with Ray's other cousin-in-law (Julia, the wife of Mark, Luke's younger brother) about this. I mentioned that I wasn't going to the shower and she asked why and I told her. I said I know I didn't have a right to be upset about Luke and Jen but that it bothered me that Jen was so adament about not wanting to have a baby the last time I saw her (last July). And Julia said she understood but that even at that time Jen and Luke were trying. So I asked Julia why she thought Jen would be dishonest about it. She said she thought maybe Jen didn't want to answer so many questions. I said I understood but I think my responses would have been different, more along the lines of "hey if it happens it happens" not "oh no, I don't want any kids right now, we aren't trying" etc- Julia said that she thought that would have been the more honest approach. Not that it matters, what's done is done and I guess, I am happy for them.

Anyway, the shower was apparently very nice but there were a lot of people there. My MIL said something like 65 people or something. I still haven't gotten them a gift because I cannot will myself into Baby's R Us. I think my best bet is to go into Baby Gap and buy something. Not that they found out what they are having (nor will they) but I think I can find something cute that would work for a boy or a girl. Then I have to send it to them (or hopefully we'll see Mark and Julia again and they can give it to them for us).

Other than that life is the same. Just waiting on our RE appointment on April 9.

Hi Ho Hi Ho It's off to the RE we go

2008-03-26T12:58:00.003-04:00

:/

I was hoping to avoid this but it seems we are set on a path of fertility meds and doctor's appointments over the course of at least the next few months if not much longer.

I spoke with my Ob/Gyn today and it seems all my levels are normal. It still doesn't explain my lines on the OPKs though (not positive just there). I told her about that she said to keep testing I just might ovulate late (uh huh) but that if dear old Auntie Flo doesn't visit by April 12 that I should stop by the office for a lab slip for yet another hCG, prescription for provera and some clomid. She said she didn't think that femera was a good idea and hasn't had much luck with it. So, okay- here we go.

As for the RE- my appointment is April 9th at 9am at a Fertility clinic right around the corner from our apartment (funny, right? I can walk there). I am nervous and anxious about it but also really happy that I am going. I love my Ob/Gyn but I know there is only so much she can do, especially with the sperm issues we have also.

I told Ray to make sure that he gets his results from the Uro tomorrow so he can bring them with him on April 9. I told him that he also has to be there since it's an US issue and not just a ME issue. He said not a problem. So once again it's wait wait wait until the appointment and see what the RE suggests.

I'll let everyone know what Ray's tests say as soon as we have the results.

1+1=3

Oh yeah, really?

I know finally...

Random

How did I not remember

They Joy of the (mostly) Anonymous Internets

Curiousity...

Well, well, well...

The closer we are the further we are

And TTC isn’t even the half of it

What can I say, really?

Moving on

How Do You Convince Yourself It Will Be Okay?

Imma Hafta Disappoint

HA!

A Day Early

More of the same here...nothing

Cycle1, CD3 already?

Once a week

T minus 13 Days

And we're back...

All Rolled Into One

*Whew*

On the Road (again)

Oh Well...

Decisions, Decisions

I Promise I'll Do Better

The New Adventures of Old(er) Clara

6-12 month picture retrospective

Has it almost been another month? Geez

There will be no apologies

Illness

Oh Wow

Clara's First 6 months- a Picture Retrospective

So Big

Nothing like a little poke in the bladder...

And now for the conclusion (Part II)

And now for the conclusion (and a rant)

Oh No

4 month check-up

Mama Really Does Know Best

Why Daycare Stinks

Playing Catch-Up

Adjusting to Mommyhood

Daycare and Gas

So tired

Pictures

So---A Day in the Life of Clara Rose

It's a Girl

Today's The Day

Well it's official

Ahhh yes...

It's all fun and games until they make you pee in a jug

And I just keep rolling along

Ok, I'm ready

If they let me

And the award goes to

So tired

So far-so good

Only Because You Asked

Updating the Major Points

yeah yeah yeah

Uh...

On the fat train

It's a...

Bundle of...nerves?

The Countdown Begins

Whew

And so here we are

A Follow-up

Something To Say

Knocking on the Door

Nuchal Scan and Crazy Dreams

Swish Swish Swish

*Yawn*

A Prayer to St. Gerard

Long Awaited-Perhaps?

Status Quo

Prepare for the Freak Out

A Better Day All Around

Whew

Yawn

Does A Happy Dance